Dib in Wonderland
by Spectra
Summary: COMPLETED! and also revised a little bit Just like the title says. My odd little parodyhumor fic. Something for everyone since it includes just about every single 'Invader Zim' character there is, but this one is largely for the Dib fans
1. Part 1: Fall of Doom

Author's note: I've wanted to do a parody fic for a while, so my tripped out little mind cooked up this fanfic based on 'Alice in Wonderland,' a story that I've always liked It's a nice, surreal little delve into a fantasy world crossed with the characters of Invader Zim. After reading some fanfiction where the IZ cast was placed in 'The Wizard of Oz,' I figured I'd try my hand at doing some humor/parody/fantasy writing too. Why did I pick this particular fairy tale to mutilate? Like I said, I just like it. Why Dib? Cause I like torturing him heh heh Please enjoy!

Note to anyone who's read this fic before: All right, all right, --;; I am guilty of going over this fic several times after it was finished and changing a bunch of parts I wasn't satisfied with because I uploaded the chapters before I really got a chance to hone them and make them exactly the way I wanted. Now, after all my tweaking, I'm about 99.9 happy with the result (I'm the worst sort of perfectionist who will never be _totally_ satisfied with her writing no matter what). I only wanted to mention this so you don't think you're going crazy if you notice some small changes or new parts added to this fic. There are no _really_ big changes, just a sentence added here or there, and only two entirely new small parts I can think of in the 4th and 5th chapters, and I took out a few of those irritating, out-of-date author's notes and added some new fanart links. That's all, just so you know.

Disclaimer: Invader Zim characters are a © of Jhonen Vasquez. 'Alice in Wonderland' originally created by Lewis Carrol, but I believe the book is now public domain. Whatever :P

_++Dib in Wonderland++ by Spectra_

Part 1: Fall of Doom

The sun was shining in a clear sky, bird song flittered through the air, and the world was draped in lush green shadows from the trees hanging overhead… but Dib wasn't paying attention to any of that. The young alien hunter's bespectacled eyes were instead fixed on a certain kid with green skin, a black pompadour, and no ears walking his so-called 'dog.' Zim stood there looking exasperated and bored beyond belief as his little, equally green puppy sniffed around him in a circle following a bug it had discovered.

Dib observed the scene for a few more minutes; now GIR was playing peek-a-boo with a squirrel and Zim was standing there with his eyelids half shut, drooling. He'd come to the park to spy on Zim, but not much was happening in the way of incriminating evidence so he pulled away his binoculars and leaned back against the thick tree trunk, rubbing his eyes. He was having trouble keeping them open, having stayed up till three AM watching a 'Mysterious Mysteries' marathon. Dib yawned and his eyelids fluttered as he sat back and thought about how nice and cool the grass felt and how great it was to lay in the shade, how sleepy the sun was making him feel and how he longed to just lie against the tree and…

"No!" he forced his eyes open and shook his head stubbornly. "I can't let my guard down! I'll never rest until I expose Zim for the alien parasite he is." Hearing his own voice snapped him out of his fatigue a bit and he peeked around the tree trunk.

"Just wait Zim. You can't pretend forever, and when you slip up I'll be fully alert and ready." Dib raised the binoculars once again, his gaze set like steel as he watched his enemy, waiting to strike at any given moment.

Ten minutes later Dib awoke from where he'd passed out in the grass. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, little blades of green stuck to his face. Quickly he grabbed the binoculars and looked over to see what Zim was up to. "Great. He's gone."

Frowning, Dib stuck the binoculars in his backpack, angry with himself for falling asleep and missing out on the perfect opportunity to spy on the alien, when he heard a familiar voice shouting, "Oh no, I'm late! I'm late!"

"Zim?" So he hadn't left the park after all, thought Dib, and looked in the direction of the voice. Sure enough, he spotted Zim rushing towards him, only he didn't look like he had a few minutes ago; he was now wearing a furry hood with white bunny ears attached to it and had a pink dot of a nose placed in the center of his face. Instead of his usual attire his red striped uniform had been replaced by a white shirt under a red jacket adorned with gold buttons. Dib watched dumbfounded as the alien skidded to a stop directly in front of him and pulled a large, gold watch out of his pocket. "She's going to have my head for this!" he cried and darted past.

"Zim!?" Dib scrunched up his face in confusion. Instantly he was on his feet and running across the grass in hot pursuit, but it wasn't easy keeping up with the speedy little Zim bunny.

"Zim!" he called through his panting breaths as he gradually began to catch up. "Where are you going? huff And why…huff why the heck are you dressed like a bunny!?"

"I am no bunny, I'm a _rabbit_!" he snorted indignantly. "And I have no time for your foolish questions, stink beast, I'm late!" Then with that, Zim disappeared down a large hole in the side of a hill, half hidden under a hedge. Dib, who was too puzzled to think straight, never even considered that this could be some sort of trap and popped in after him.

He crawled along the cramped, dusty tunnel on his hands and knees, calling out Zim's name as he went. _Am I losing my mind or was Zim really dressed as a rabbit?_ Dib wondered, then, as the shock wore off he realized how carelessly he'd acted by following in so hastily after the devious little extraterrestrial.

"I don't know if I ought to be doing this. Maybe I should turn back while I still- YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Dib's words were suddenly cut-off by his screams of terror as the ground underneath his hands took a sharp slide downwards, and he plunged headfirst down a gaping black hole.

Dib's breath caught in his throat as he tumbled through the air. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, waiting for the bone-shattering impact that was sure to come. He waited… and waited… and waited. "Hmm? What's taking so long? If I'm gonna die I'd like to get it over with." He dared to open one eye slightly and found that he was still falling, but it didn't seem he was falling very fast. In fact he seemed to be floating rather pleasantly downwards, his black trench coat billowing out gracefully behind him as he fell further and further. Dib gasped, "T-this is impossible!" He looked around, his jaw dropping even more as he noticed the sides of the hole, which were covered with cupboards, picture frames, mirrors, coat hangers, clocks, bookshelves, posters, and a whole bunch of other things you wouldn't expect to find in a hole. A number of objects like tables, chairs, lamps, teapots, cups, and a chess set also drifted up past him, and Dib cocked a questioning eyebrow at the odd sights.

"This is no normal hole," he decided, clearly stating the obvious. "Maybe I'm falling into another dimension. What if Zim set this whole thing up so that I'd follow him here and be sucked into a pit of hideous doom! But why the bunny costume? And why set this whole thing up when he could've just as easily zapped me with a death-ray or something? And how did he know I was in the park when I was being so stealthy and…" Dib went on and on, trying to comprehend the situation. He had a habit of talking to himself in long monologues, a sad result of having no friends.

Dib looked down. Try as he might he couldn't see an end to this long hole. "What if there _is_ no end," he thought, then quickly dismissed the idea. There _had_ to be an end; after all, the Earth was only so big. "I suppose I'd eventually come out on the other side… but wait…" he paused, "That's impossible because I'd be burned to a crisp before I even made it to the outer core."

This idea didn't exactly put Dib's mind at ease. "Well um, then again… maybe the Earth is hollow," he thought, trying desperately to push the other image out of his head. "In that case I wouldn't have to worry about burning up. Still, once I reached the center of the Earth I'd be stuck there since _every_ way would be up… but that's ridiculous," he chuckled, "because once I got there the incredible force of the Earth's gravity would crush me like a wadded up gum wrapper."

Somehow this thought didn't make Dib feel any better either, so he decided to just shut-up and concentrate on the passing scenery. A string of very strange objects swirled past him as he fell, including a pink, dead bunny in a jar, a creepy looking Doughboy, a freaky Elmo doll, and an ugly looking Chihuahua. "Oooooo-kay…" Dib said, coming to the conclusion that he'd had quite enough scenery. Still, he kinda wished he'd brought his camera.

After a while Dib began glancing around again, his curiosity getting the better of him as it usually did. As he fell past a shelf he picked up a jar that had caught his eye. "Blech…" he made an 'icky' face at the label which read Jellied Pig's Toes, and Lord only knew why it'd caught his eye in the first place. Dib released it with a smile, wondering if maybe it'd drop and land on Zim, but instead of falling, the jar floated up above him and disappeared into the darkness.

Minutes passed and Dib continued to plummet. The fall seemed to be taking forever and he was getting pretty bored. Just as he was debating on whether or not to start a round of 'Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,' the laws of gravity suddenly returned, and he dropped the remaining length of the hole, landing with a loud THUD.

"Oww," Dib groaned and rubbed his backside. He'd be feeling that one in the morning. "_Now_ where am I?" he asked no one in particular. Just then he spotted a flash of red and white out of the corner of his eye heading down a long hallway.


	2. Part 2: Entrance to Madness

Part 2: Entrance to Madness

"Zim!" Dib shouted and ran after him. He pumped his legs as hard as they would go and soon was right on Zim's tail (yes, Zim literally had a cute, fluffy cotton tail to go along with the rest of his bunny motif). "Zim!" he panted, "Where are we? What's going on?"

The Zim-rabbit flashed his eyes at Dib in annoyance. "I know not of this 'Zim' of which you speak," he snarled, "so stop calling me that! I am the White Rabbit and you will refer to me as such."

"Oh give me a break, Zim. All you did was put some bunny ears on and tie a stupid pink nose around your head. Do you think I'm dumb?"

"As a matter of fact…" Zim smirked, and Dib scowled knowing he'd walked right into that one. He tried to cook up a good retaliation but was running out of breath, and Zim was now too far ahead to hear him anyway. Zim whipped around a corner, and a moment later Dib did the same, finding himself in a large, dimly lit room with a high, arched ceiling. He spotted a small table made of glass sitting off to the side, but as for Zim there was absolutely no sign of him.

"He got away AGAIN!" Dib's eyes darted around the room, looking for Zim's means of escape, but instead they landed on something sitting on the table. He walked over, his boot heels echoing loudly on the checkered tile floor, and picked up the tiny object.

"A key? Then there must be a door around here somewhere." Dib looked around again; he didn't see any doors, but behind him he spied a low curtain covering a section of the wall. Being his paranoid self he eyed it suspiciously, then pulled a corner aside revealing an extremely small door which barely came up to his knees.

Dib narrowed an eye. "You have _GOT_ to be kidding me."

He set the key back on the table and kneeled down to examine the door more closely. "How am I supposed to get through _that_!?" he frowned. Then he noticed the doorknob. Dib just stared at it for a moment, furrowing his brow in confusion as he noted the odd, yet strangely familiar shape of it; it had a zigzag, lightning-like spike on top and what looked like a tiny pair of goggles just above the handle, which was semi-funnel shaped. It sort-of reminded him of some of the furniture back in his house. _D-Dad?_ The thought wormed its way into his head, but Dib promptly shook it off. _What am I thinking!? That's ridiculous!_ He reached down and turned the funny looking knob only to be rewarded with a loud yelp of surprise. Dib, caught completely off guard, returned the scream and jumped backwards.

"Blast it all, this is the third time this week that's happened!" the doorknob spoke in an authoritative, eerily familiar voice. "You don't have to turn so hard you know."

"Sorry," Dib apologized, somehow not really all that shocked to be talking to a doorknob. After all, he _did_ go to skool with an alien. He could certainly handle this.

"Think nothing of it," came the reply. "Now, is there something I can help you with young man?"

"Actually I was wondering if an alien dressed up like a rabbit came through here by any chance?"

"As a matter of fact he did. You just missed him."

"So Zim _was_ here!" Dib clenched his fists determinedly. "I have to follow him!"

The door chuckled. "Don't be silly my boy. You'd never be able to fit that big head of yours through here."

"My head's not big!" Dib huffed.

"Well, nonetheless I suggest you try that bottle over on the table."

"Huh? But there's no b-…" Dib began, but when he turned around he did in fact see a small vial sitting on the glass tabletop. _Well it wasn't there before,_ he thought, walking over and picking it up. "Hmm… Drink Me," he read the words printed on the tag draped around the bottleneck and eyed the liquid suspiciously. "And exactly how is drinking this stuff supposed to help me?"

"What do I look like, a Professor? Just do it!" the door spoke up impatiently.

"Alright, alright." Dib stuck out his jaw and grudgingly uncorked the bottle before taking a hesitant sip. "Mm… not bad," he remarked and took a longer drink. Wiping his mouth he set the half-empty bottle back on the table, but as he did he noticed that something seemed a little… off.

_Was that table… always so high up?_

Suddenly he was struck with an odd sinking sensation, and he watched in amazement as the entire room appeared to be expanding around him. "What the-…!?" Dib gasped as he realized he was shrinking! In a matter of seconds the spiky-haired boy stood no higher than a Popsicle stick.

"Wow… What was _in_ that stuff?" Dib's jaw hung open as he looked down at himself, examining his new tiny size. "Hmm," he pulled on a corner of his jacket and cocked an eyebrow, "and how come my clothes shrank too?" Oh well, it was best not to question a good thing.

Dib ran over to the door, which he was now the perfect size to fit through, eager to catch back up to Zim. He grabbed the knob and twisted it several times, frowned, then started pulling and tugging on it as hard as he could.

"Ow! Hey, take it easy there," the doorknob pleaded.

Dib complained, "But I can't get the door open."

"Well of course you can't."

"Huh? Why not?"

"Because I'm locked."

"Oh, okay, I guess that explains…" it slowly dawned on Dib what had been said. "Wait a minute, You're _WHAT_!?"

"I said I'm locked. Didn't I mention that?"

"_NO_!" Dib wailed mournfully, burying his face in his hands.

"You have the key, don't you?" the door inquired.

"Hmm? What key?"

"The little gold one."

Dib's face suddenly brightened. "Oh _that_ key! Yeah I left it over on the table," he chuckled in relief and started walking over. "I'll just go… and… um, get…it…" he trailed off as he approached the table, discovering it was now about seven times higher than he was. Dib groaned and smacked his forehead.

"Don't tell me you left it up there," the door remarked.

"Gee, you think?" Dib shot back. The boy stormed over and stared up at the key through the glass. He tried everything he could think of to try and get it; he tried climbing a table leg, but kept sliding down, then he tried ramming the table to nudge the key off the edge, but only succeeded in nearly dislocating his shoulder. He tried willing it over the side, but lacked the necessary spooky mind powers to pull this off. Finally he tried yelling and cursing at it, but the key still didn't budge. Having run out of ideas, Dib sighed helplessly and slumped to the ground. He was really not enjoying his altered height.

"Stupid key," he grumbled, looking up at it sitting there through the glass, as if taunting his dilemma further.

"Well, I guess you're doomed to spend the rest of your life here," the door piped in cheerily.

Dib blinked, not sure he'd heard right. "What!?"

"Heh heh, just kidding."

"Real funny," Dib muttered.

The door went on, "If you really want out, all you have to do is look next to you."

Dib did, and spotted a small box sitting next to his hand, which he opened to discover a little snack cake with 'BITE ME' written on it in white frosting. He raised an eyebrow at the odd choice of wording.

"Well… I _guess_ if the bottle made me small… maybe this'll make me grow big enough to reach the key," he figured, "…Or small enough to crawl under the door, either way I guess. Besides, it's not like I've got a lot of options here." Deciding either way was better than being stuck, Dib picked up the cake and chomped into it before he could change his mind.

Dib got to his feet and waited for some sort of reaction. He measured himself against the table leg, but as far as he could tell he hadn't changed a bit. Frowning, he walked a little ways away from the table and tried again, holding his hand over his head to see if he was getting any larger or smaller, but still nothing happened. "Great," he pouted, crossing his arms, "It's not work- _Whoa_!" Before he could finish speaking too soon, Dib found the room was rapidly closing in on him; he was growing at an unheard-of rate, and the next second he cried out in pain as the back of his head smacked up against the ceiling.

"Oww…" Dib moaned, rubbing his sore cranium, realizing in horror that he was now well over twenty feet tall.

The door called up to him, "Looks like you took too big of a bite."

"Not _THIS_ big!" Dib gestured down at himself, his voice rising with panic.

"Are you ok, son? You hit your big head pretty hard there."

"My head is NOT…!" Dib paused uncertainly. "Well um, yeah ok… maybe _now_ it's big." He hung his head sadly.

"Look on the bright side," said the door, and Dib stared at it as if it'd just suggested he put a live lobster down his pants. "At least now you can reach the key."

Dib reached down by his ankle and plucked the key off the table. Looking at it sitting in the palm of his hand he thought it resembled a grain of sand more than it did a key. "Hmph. Lotta good it does me now," he huffed in frustration, "I'm too big to fit through a _regular_ sized door, let alone the little one."

All this was just too much for Dib. He was prepared to deal with aliens and vampires and bigfoot and stuff, but _THIS_!? _This_ place defied all logic! And now he'd be stuck here for the rest of his life, and there'd be no one to protect the world from Zim's evil clutches. Dib's lower lip began to quiver and he felt the hot sting of tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He tried desperately not to give in to the urge to cry, but a few stray teardrops managed to spill over his eyelids and splatter on the floor.

Seeing Dib's distress, the doorknob sighed sympathetically. "Oh, come on, settle down now. You don't want to start a flood, do you? And anyway, you can always finish what's left of the bottle."

Dib sniffled and wiped his eyes, his expression brightening a bit. He'd completely forgotten about that! (Funny how your mind works in these situations, isn't it?) The boy knelt down and picked up the bottle, being extremely careful not to crush it between his giant fingertips. It was a royal hassle trying to get the cork out, and Dib eventually just gave up and swallowed the bottle like a pill. Almost instantly he began growing smaller, until he was once again only a few inches tall. He gripped the key, which he'd held on to, and rushed happily over to the little door, splashing through a large puddle of his own tears as he went. _I'm glad I didn't cry any more than this_, he thought, a little embarrassed with himself for crying in the first place, _or who knows what kind of disaster it might have turned into_. _Why did I cry anyway? That's pretty unusual for me. _Of course the whole situation was pretty unusual, so Dib just chalked it up to temporary insanity.

"Finally! I can get out of this stupid room," he exclaimed as he fumbled with the lock.

"Um, there _is_ a little something I should probably warn you about first," the door informed him.

Dib turned the knob. "Why, what's there to warn me abo-…?" he was suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted as an enormous rush of water thundered through the opening. He was thrown violently back and swallowed in the ensuing tide. The room was flooding quickly, and Dib tried desperately to stay above the water, but the suction was far too strong, and he was forcefully sucked through the door and swept away by the current. After a moment he struggled to the surface and spit out a mouthful of water, finding himself in the middle of an endless expanse of ocean.

Waves kept washing over him and filling his mouth with water. "Ugh, this is just perfect," Dib complained. "That dumb door could've warned me _before_ I opened it. Now instead of withering away I get to drown." He swam around aimlessly for a few minutes until he spotted a strip of land and made his way over, gratefully stumbling onto the shore. As Dib wrung out his trench coat and dumped the water out of his boots he noticed he was standing at the mouth of a forest. He also heard a splishing noise behind him, and turned just in time to see Zim crawling out of the water.

The rabbit-suited alien coughed and sputtered as he stood up and shook the water off his tail. "Good thing I bathed in extra paste this morning," he muttered and took off into the woods.

"Zim! Wait!" Dib, wasting no time, quickly pulled on his coat and boots and was after him in a flash.


	3. Part 3: Tweedle Tallests

Part 3: Tweedle Tallests

Zim led Dib deep into the woods, always keeping well ahead of him, but Dib would never give up. He was determined not to let Zim escape this time, and he'd just about caught up to him when the alien ducked through a row of bushes. Dib leaped after him, only to be slammed backwards a split second later by something hard and painful. After the trees stopped spinning the boy sat up and adjusted his glasses, which were miraculously unbroken, and his amber eyes gazed up at what he'd run into.

Standing in front of him were two statues, and at first Dib could've sworn they were statues of Zim. The resemblance was uncanny, but these figures were much taller and thinner, and were very strangely dressed. One of them had light red eyes and wore a red-striped shirt and a red_… Is that a…_hover-skirt? Dib thought, while the other was identical, except it had purple eyes and purple clothes. Both of them had minty green skin and wore matching beanies with little black flags on top bearing a pseudo-triangular red symbol, which Dib recognized as the Irken insignia.

"What weird looking statues," Dib remarked, making a face. "What are they doing out in the middle of the woods?" He crept over for a closer analysis, curious to see what they were made out of, when he was startled by a voice from the red one.

"Statues? You think we're STATUES!?" it snorted indignantly.

"And he called us weird looking! I've _never_ been so insulted!" the purple one also piped up.

Dib's eyes widened, and he took a step back as the figures bent down and stared him in the face.

"Hmm, he's awful puny," the purple one finally spoke.

"Yeah, the little ones always are," said the red one, and his twin shot him an odd glance. "Um…wait. That was pretty dumb, wasn't it?"

The purple one nodded. "Yes."

"Well, puny or not," the red one turned back to Dib, trying to change the subject, "if you think were statues you ought to pay for the privilege of looking."

"I-I didn't know you were alive," Dib stammered. "You were standing so-…"

"Well if you wanted to know if we were alive you should have asked!" he interrupted.

"And he didn't even apologize for running into us," added the purple one. "Don't you have any manners?"

"I- uh…"

"Apparently he doesn't," whispered the red to the purple. "Look at this! There's a dent in my hovery thing!" he yelled, looking hard at Dib.

"S-sorry," he managed to stutter.

"_Sorry_? Do you KNOW how much this will cost to fix!?"

Dib fidgeted uncomfortably. "I-…"

"Don't worry, Red, you've got insurance, remember?" interrupted the purple one.

The red one lowered and eyelid thoughtfully, "Oh yeah. Well then, never mind," he said and smiled at Dib who just looked up at the pair distrustfully.

"Who… are you guys?" he asked finally.

"Oh, we haven't introduced ourselves," the red nudged the purple and cleared his throat. "I am Tweedle Red," he said.

"And I'm Tweedle Purple," said the one with the purple eyes, and they both finished with a bow.

Dib narrowed his eyes. "Uh-…huh." These two were obviously psychos. "Well it's been nice meeting you and all," he lied, backing away, "but I've got a rabbit to snare." He started to leave but was yanked back forcibly by the collar.

"That's no way to start a visit," Red informed him. "The first thing you should do is wiggle your antennae in salute." He took off his hat and demonstrated.

"But I don't have any antennae," Dib pointed out.

"Then what's this thing?" Purple came up behind him and flicked at Dib's hair spike. Dib pulled away.

"Hey, knock it off!"

Red sighed. "Well, since he doesn't have antennae, I guess we'll have to do it the shudder _human_ way," and the both of them held out their hands for Dib to shake.

Dib grimaced, but shook them anyway, thoroughly creeped out by their weird, long green fingers.

"Whew, glad that's over," Red breathed (apparently he felt the same way about Dib). "So, what's your name?"

"Um, Dib," he answered, his eyes darting from side to side, desperately looking for an escape from these two weirdos.

"Oh well, that's not your fault," Red remarked, ignoring the scowl Dib sent his way. "Now, state your business," he ordered.

Dib didn't think it was any of _their_ business at all, but he figured an explanation might get them off his back. "Okay, If you must know I'm chasing after an alien named Zim who led me here, even though he keeps saying he's NOT Zim, and he keeps insisting he's a rabbit because he's dressed up in a white bunny costume and thinks that I'm stupid and I don't _know_ it's him when it so obviously_ is_," Dib finished rambling and took a breath. "And now I'm kind of in a hurry, so if you'll excuse me, I really should get going." He edged away, getting ready to bolt at any minute.

"But you can't go yet, you just got here," Tweedle Red protested.

"But I-…"

"That's right!" shouted Tweedle Purple, and Dib was suddenly whisked into the air by the back of his jacket.

"Look," Dib struggled in Purple's grip," I really need to go now!" But he was completely ignored and carried over to a log where Purple plunked him down.

"Now tell me," Red leaned close to him, "do you like poetry?"

"Not really," Dib admitted.

"Good, because I don't know any."

"How about dirty limericks?" Purple inquired. "There once was a woman from France-…"

"Um, no thanks, I have to get going now." Dib darted off the log but was immediately pulled back.

"How about a game then?" Red suggested.

"Ooo! I've got Twister!" Purple chirped excitedly.

Dib wondered how long it would take him to die if he started holding his breath right now. "Maybe another ti-…"

"Oh wait! I have an idea. You'll LOVE this!" Red smiled, and out of thin air produced a little round object with blinking lights all over it.

"Ugh, not the lasers again." Purple put a hand to his brow and shook his head hopelessly. "What is it with you and the lasers?"

"What is it with you and the… _not_ lasers?" Red shot back. Dib wanted to scream.

"He doesn't want to see your stupid lasers anyway," Tweedle Purple continued, and pulled out a square machine with holes in it.

Tweedle Red frowned. "Oh yeah, like he'd really rather see your dumb smoke machine."

"Hey, smoke machines are all the rage," Purple clutched his toy defensively.

While they were distracted, Dib tried to make a run for it, but Red shoved him back down. "You'd much rather see my lasers wouldn't you," he smiled at Dib hopefully. "They're all bliiiinky!"

"I don't want to see ANY-…!"

"No!" Purple shoved Red out of the way. "He wants to see MY smoke machine!"

"No, he wants to see my lasers!"

"Nobody wants to see your idiotic lasers!" Purple snapped.

"Oh! Idiotic are they?" Red snarled, "Well how's _this_ for idiotic!"

"YEEEAAAHH!" Purple screeched as a bright red laser beam hit his eye. "YOU JERK!" he roared, and threw his smoke machine at Red who dodged out of the way, then he screamed again as it crashed to the ground. "NOOO! YOU BROKE IT!"

"ME!? You're the one who threw it!"

"You MADE me throw it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did-… hey, where'd that short kid go?" Tweedle Red and Tweedle Purple glanced around for Dib, but their audience had disappeared.

"Nice going you moron, you scared him away!" Purple scowled.

"Hmph!" Red snorted. "YOU probably scared him with that sissy throw of yours!"

"Ok," Purple glared at Red, "You asked for it!"

"Yeah yeah, bring it on Mr. Big Talk-…um… Guy!"

"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!"  
"OH YEAH!?…"

Dib could still hear Tweedle Red and Purple's noisy bantering as he ran off further into the woods, unbelievably grateful that he'd escaped with his sanity intact. "Those guys are absolutely crazy," he rolled his eyes. "I didn't think _anyone_ could be more annoying than Zim." Worst of all, they'd distracted him and made Dib loose sight of the little green alien, and now he had no idea where Zim could have got to. He was getting tired, and since there was no point in running without a Zim to run after, Dib began walking.

He walked for a few minutes down a dirt path until he rounded a group of trees and stopped dead in his tracks, drawing his brows together inquiringly at the sight of the very familiar looking, turquoise house standing just up ahead.


	4. Part 4: Zim Sends in a Little Keef

Part 4: Zim Sends in a Little Keef

There could be no mistake about it, from the aqua tinted siding, to the purple roof, to the asymmetrical windows, though it looked unusual not nestled between the tall buildings of the city Dib knew right away who's house it was. But what was _it_ doing here? "Oh well," he shrugged. "Nothing else makes sense, so why should this?"

He made his way up the front walk, passing an assortment of lawn gnomes, plastic flamingos, and puffer fish. He'd just reached up to knock on the door bearing a 'Men's Room' sign, but before he could he was nearly plowed over by Zim bursting out in a huge frenzy.

Dib's eyes lit up at the sight of his long hunted nemesis. "Zim!" he called. The green one halted and spun around at the sound of his voice. "It's about time I found-…"

"Mary Ann!" Zim stuck his hands on his hips and glowered at Dib. "What do you think you're doing out here?"

"Huh!?" To say Dib was completely dumbstruck would be an understatement.

"Well? Answer me Mary Ann!"

If looks could kill, Zim would have croaked on the spot from the one Dib shot him. "Are you completely out of your _mind_ Zim!? What the heck are you talking about?"

Zim drew his rabbit ears back and approached Dib menacingly. "Do not question me Mary Ann! Now get in that house and get me my gloves!" Zim pointed to the door, and Dib noticed he was missing his usual, black rubber mitts.

"You've finally snapped Zim, you _know_ who I am!" Dib scowled indignantly. "And Mary Ann is a _girl's_ name. If you're going to pretend not to know me, at least do it right."

Zim's fiery red eyes burned a shade darker. "I said get my gloves! You WILL obey me, Mary Ann!"

"But-…"

"NOW!" Zim exploded and shoved Dib through the open door, slamming it shut behind him. The boy shakily composed himself and considered storming back out, but truth be known, Dib was much more freaked out than usual by Zim's insanity, and figured it would just be easier to find what he wanted rather than face his psychotic rage again. And besides… how often did your greatest foe offer you an open invitation to search their secret base?

"Tch, Mary Ann," he mumbled.

Dib set to work searching the living room, and in a few minutes still had turned up nothing. "This is ridiculous," he grumbled, "running errands for my mortal enemy. And why didn't he just put on his stupid gloves while he was in here, huh? Huh? Huh?"

Dib was looking near the couch when he noticed a can of Poop Cola sitting on the coffee table. He picked it up and popped the top, raising it to his mouth. "Well, I _am_ a little thirsty from all this running around," he excused himself and took a drink. He grimaced as the bitter liquid flowed down his throat (Poop Cola pretty much tasted like it sounds), but it was better than nothing, so after taking a long swig he set the can back down and resumed his search. He was so preoccupied with rummaging through a side table drawer that he didn't notice his rapid increase in height until his head hit the ceiling.

"Wha-? Oh come on, not this AGAIN!" he cried. But whether he liked it or not, Dib found himself growing larger and larger with each second that passed, and before he knew it he was forcibly scrunched up inside the room, most of Zim's furniture completely crushed beneath his expanding body. He frowned and shifted uncomfortably. His neck was bent at a painful angle and his hair was getting tangled in the mass of wires and tubes adorning Zim's ceiling.

"I'm reeeeealy starting to hate this place." Dib narrowed his eyes in irritation and arched his back trying to adjust to a more comfortable position, the house groaning and creaking against his movement. "I just hope I don't grow any _more_." Luckily for Dib this request was granted and he grew no bigger, though it didn't matter much by this time. Getting through the door was hopeless and he was already so large he could barely move.

"This is all _your_ fault," he said, glaring at the soda can contemptibly. "And to think, yesterday everything was perfectly normal; I was saving the world from alien invasion, I'd nearly gotten pictures of that vampire gerbil, and I was _this_ close to exposing the lunch ladies as man eating zombies trying to poison us with their ketchup and rice… but now everything's just _weird_!"

Dib would have moped a little longer, but his thoughts were cut short by the sound of the doorknob turning. Zim stepped inside. "Mary Ann! What is taking you so- AARRGH!" Suddenly he was violently slammed backwards as Dib shoved his foot up against the door. The stubborn Irken, though taken aback, wasted no time picking himself up and trying again. "Mary Ann! What are you doing in there? Open this door right now!" Zim's voice dripped with venom and he pounded on the door furiously, but Dib effortlessly held it shut. "All right Mary Ann, if that's the way you want it…" Zim's voice trailed off and Dib heard the sound of retreating footsteps.

He breathed a sigh of relief until he heard a clatter at the front of the house. Zim was at the window and had already managed to pull it open halfway. Dib quickly shuffled towards the front of the room, squashing more furniture and knocking several pictures off the wall in the process, and shoved his arm through the opening, sending the fur-clad extraterrestrial sailing off the windowsill with a startled yelp. Zim shook his head as he sat up, and his eyes bugged out as he got a glimpse of what had hit him.

"YAH! MONSTER! There's a hideous monster in my house! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Zim ran around the side of the house screaming hysterically.

Dib chuckled, quite satisfied with how that went, also happy to find that the room was much less cramped minus his arm. He leaned back contentedly, picked up Zim's TV, and flipped through a few channels, deciding to make the most of the situation.

"Keef! KEEF!" Dib suddenly heard Zim shouting outside again. "Get over here!"

_Keef?_ Dib cocked an eyebrow and set down the TV.

"Oh, hi Sir!" a green-eyed boy with a puff of orange hair trotted into the yard. "What's up? You want to go to the circus or something? I LOVE the circus! Or maybe the Zoo! We can get some foot long corndogs there. I like corndogs, don't you?" he chattered excitedly until he noticed Zim's agitated state. "Hey, what's wrong bestest best friend?"

"There's a horrible, hideous doom-beast inside my base!" Zim pointed a shaking finger at Dib's gigantic limb hanging out the window.

"…It just looks like an arm to me," Keef said after a thoughtful pause.

"Stupid worm baby!" Zim screamed in a rage. "Have you _ever_ seen an arm that size!?"

"No, but it's still an arm."

"Grrrr! It's what's _attached_ to the arm!" Zim snarled. "Now get in there and dispose of it!"

Keef turned about four shades paler. "B-but-…"

"Please Keef?" Zim put on a big fake smile and draped his arm over the boy's shoulders, his voice saccharine sweet. "For your bestest best friend?"

"Um… Okay, sure!" Keef chirped, always eager to please.

Zim snickered wickedly. "Very good, now go up on the roof. I have a secret entrance up there that leads to a hollowed out tube in my living room. Once you get inside, snag the monster with this," he handed Keef a butterfly net, "and make sure it doesn't catch you first; I think it already ate Mary Ann."

Zim set a ladder against his fortress and Keef climbed up, butterfly net clutched tightly in hand, and made his way across the roof to where his bestest friend had instructed.

Inside, Dib listened carefully to the redhead's footfalls, trying to judge where the hollow tube was located, not even bothering to burn any brain cells wondering what Keef was doing there in the first place (was there a point trying to figure out _anything_ logically? he thought). The footsteps ceased at one corner of the room and Dib tapped lightly on the metal tubes beneath the spot till he found one that dinged clear, and ripped the end out of its socket. He drew in a deep breath, waited until he heard Keef sliding down, then he blew into it as hard as he could.

"YAAAAHHHH!!!" Keef shot out the tube like a spit-wad from a straw, arching high through the air and crash landing outside the fence. Zim was not happy about this.

"RRRR!" he growled, tightening his hands into fists. "Miserable incompetent! Can't you do anythi- YEARGGH!" the alien skidded to the ground with a scream as Dib snuck his hand up and flicked him in the backside. "Blech!" he gagged spitting out a mouthful of dirt and grass. He tried to stand up, but Dib just knocked him on his face again, laughing out loud. He was finally beginning to enjoy his superior size.

"You know, this wouldn't be so bad if only I weren't stuck in here," he smiled.

Zim picked himself up, shaking with white-hot rage. "That's it filthy blood monster, you leave me no choice. Keef!"

"Y-yes Sir?" answered the badly mangled boy stumbling over obediently.

"There's only one thing left to do. We have to blow up the house!"

Dib's smile vanished instantly. "_What!?_"

"Oh, okay!" Keef peeped eagerly. "How should we do it?"

Zim put a hand to his chin. "Hmm, I think we'll go with the antimatter explosives. Come on!" he motioned for Keef to follow him and began walking away.

"Okay!"

Dib listened to the sound of the two leaving and his mind began racing frantically. "Are they crazy!?!? They can't blow up the house! _I'm still in here!_"

He heard Zim outside again. "Set them up over there. No, not there. _There! _Yes, right there should be good. The monster shouldn't be able to reach us here. Alright, let's start hooking them up."

Frantically, Dib patted his hand around the yard, trying to locate the maniacal little Irken and his orange-haired minion. When that yielded no result he began pounding his fist against the ground, shouting, "You can't do this! This is insane, it's-!"

Keef could hear Dib's muffled screams coming from inside the house. "Sir?"

"Mmm?"

"The monster's yelling something at us."

"Pay no heed to that blood beast," Zim ordered fiddling with some switches. "Now hand me that cable."

"-never get away with this! Do you hear me!? You-…!" Dib slammed his fist down a final time in desperation, his glasses magnifying the fear in his eyes. There was no way they were going to listen to him. He had to get out of there… and quick. "There has to be something in here that'll make me small again!" Dib scanned the room for something… _anything_… that might work and saw a bowl of fruit sitting on a shelf. He snatched it up and popped it in his mouth, then quickly spit it out with a disgusted blech. "Ugh, note to self," said Dib. "Next time make sure the fruit isn't wax first."

Meanwhile outside, Zim finished hooking up the last wire to the detonation device and grinned evilly at his handiwork. "And now Keef, the time has come to explode this intruding pest!"

"Oh boy!" Keef bounced up and down. "After we're done exploding, I'll make us some waffles!"

Zim sighed. "You know, Keef, you already made a ton of waffles this morning," he reminded the hyper child impatiently. "They're festering in the refrigerator as we speak."

Dib had had his face buried in his hands despondently up until this point, prepared to face the Reaper, but when he heard those words he gasped. "Of course!" DA WAFFLES! (Waffles are the answer to all life's problems, aren't they? )

He leaned on his side and scooted over to the kitchen entrance, reaching inside and feeling around for the fridge. "Hmm, let's see… kitchen table… chair…n'other chair … uh, something moving… garbage can… hey, is this it?… OUCH!… No, that would be the stove… um, don't know _what_ the heck that is… oh, and that definitely doesn't feel right… uhhhhhh… Ah ha! Refrigerator!" he exclaimed triumphantly and yanked open the fridge door, ripping it right off its hinges in his haste. He fished around for a second and pulled out a plate of sticky waffles, and downed them without hesitation.

Back outside, Zim laughed maniacally as he clutched the detonation device. "And now… the countdown! Goodbye filth monster!" He pulled out his pocket watch to time the blast, and his eyes suddenly bugged out in panic. "OH NO! Look at the time! I'm late again!" Zim dropped the detonator and bolted out of the yard in one of his screaming fits as he disappeared from sight.

"No! Wait!" came a tiny voice.

Dib grunted as he squeezed under the front door, having once again shrunk down too small. "Zim! Waaaaiiiit!!" He hopped off the front step and sprinted past Keef who just watched him go with an amused giggle; at his size, Dib looked like one of those big-headed nodder-bobbers you stick on your dashboard. After the trench coat clad boy was gone, Keef spotted the detonator on the ground and picked it up, eyeing it with awed curiosity. There was a big, pretty red button on it. Keef liked the color red.

As he was running, Dib thought he heard an explosion and felt the ground shake slightly, but he was too focused on his mission to look back (had he done so he would have noticed a large black mushroom cloud rising over the trees). He could see Zim up ahead through the tall jungle of grass, but he didn't stay in sight for long, and though Dib tried to keep running he soon faltered and collapsed on his knees. There was no way he'd ever catch his enemy while he was so small. And honestly, what would he do even if he did? Considering his unimpressive height, not a whole heck of a lot. He could maybe bite Zim's ankles, but that was about it.

Just as he was thinking he couldn't get any lower, Dib sensed a presence behind him. He whipped around and found a small puppy standing there, but of course to Dib the puppy was the size of an elephant, and he screamed like a little girl and tried to make a run for it. Before he took two steps the puppy leaped over his head and blocked his path, its tail wagging playfully, and Dib held his hands over his aching ears as it let out a tremendous bark. Dib backed away slowly and groped for a stick he spotted on the ground. "N-nice doggy. Good doggy…" he coaxed, waving the stick in front of it. "C'mon, go get the stick! Go get it!" he said, and threw it as hard as he could. The second the dog was distracted, Dib broke into a run, but the next thing he knew he was being followed by pounding footfalls that sounded like a cattle stampede, and a shadow with two floppy ears blocked out the light overhead. "Noooo!!!!" Dib let out a mournful wail as a pair of teeth closed around his torso. "Ack! No! Bad dog! BAD!" he shouted as the puppy trotted off with its prize, and Dib could only imagine in terror what it would do with him.

…

A few minutes later, a pale hand emerged from the ground, followed by a dirt and doggy drool encrusted Dib as he struggled his way out of the hole he'd just been buried in.

"Ugh," he grimaced and brushed himself off. "I really do hate this place now. And I hate being three inches tall!" he shouted to the sky, hoping for at least a dramatic peal of thunder. When he got none, he sighed in defeat and plopped down next to a large mushroom growing close by. Just as he was wiping away a smear of dog drool from his glasses, he was suddenly startled by a sand-papery voice coming from on top of it.


	5. Part 5: Advice from the Bitterpillar

Part 5: Advice from a Bitterpillar

"Who are _YOU_?" the raspy voice growled.

Dib immediately leaped up and, standing on tiptoes, peeked over the rim of the mushroom only to see…

"_Ms. Bitters!?"_ Dib's eyes boggled at the sight of his teacher, or at least it _looked_ like his teacher, only now she seemed to more or less resemble a caterpillar. Her skin was tinted a sickly, bluish color, and a pair of curly antennae stuck out on either side of her hair bun.

"You're name is Ms. Bitters?" she hissed, eyeing him strangely.

"No, _you're_ Ms. Bitters," Dib said quickly, and this warranted another odd glare from the Bitters look-alike.

"Are you stupid or just crazy?" she grunted. "Any one with half a brain… no, make that a _quarter_ of a brain… can clearly see that I'm a Caterpillar."

"No, it's just… for a second there I thought you were someone else. I mean you look exactly like my teacher," Dib tried once again to explain.

"I thought you said I was Ms. Bitters. Make up your mind!" the Caterpillar barked.

"Ms. Bitters _IS_ my teacher."

"How is it you know who _I_ am when you can't even tell me who _you_ are?" the Caterpillar took a puff from a hookah she was holding in one of her many hands and blew a stream of thick, inky smoke in Dib's face. He started coughing and hacking away while the blue-skinned insect just sat there, not paying a bit of attention to him.

Dib gagged up another lungful of air. "Just forget it," he sputtered angrily, already losing his patience with the disagreeable old bug. He turned with a swish of his trench coat and stormed away.

"And just where do you think _you're_ going?" the Caterpillar called after him, the light glinting off her glasses sharply. "Get back here and sit down!"

The Caterpillar may or may not have been the real Ms. Bitters, but right then it didn't much matter to Dib since, real or not, she was _still_ scary as hell, so he whipped around and trotted back obediently. He sat down on a broken blade of grass and waited nervously for her to say something.

"Recite!" the Caterpillar ordered after a short pause.

"Excuse me?"

"Recite," she repeated in a short, clipped tone, "from your Wildlife Survival Manual, on How to Skin a Moose."

Dib had no desire to sit there and spew memorized lines from some skool book, but he also had no desire to argue with a bug that looked like it could easily bite his head off, so he stood, cleared his throat and began.

"Ahem… The first thing to do when skinning a moose is trapping said moose. Dig a large pit and cover it with a tarp, then set out a piece of headcheese to lure the moose, or if this is not available, a handful of walnuts will suffice. Hide behind a bush and wait. Once a moose is in sight take a kazoo and a rubber hose and…"

"Alright, that's enough," Caterpillar Bitters cut him off and blew a spiral of purple smoke. "How do you feel?"

"Confused."

"Good. That's the result of the public education system," she said and took another long drag from her hookah, producing a smoke ring in the shape of a skull, while poor Dib just stared up at her more baffled than ever. The boy gritted his teeth and grabbed a fistful of jet-black hair, trying not to break into a frustrated sob.

"You seem upset about something. What's your problem?" the Caterpillar asked in a tone that suggested she really couldn't have cared less.

"Well," Dib plunked down on a toadstool, "It's a lot of things."

"Such as?"

"I'm starting to think I've fallen into a parallel dimension or something and I'm just really, _really_ confused. Nothing seems to-…" Dib was interrupted by the Caterpillar's snoring. "Hey, are you listening?" he snapped.

"What? Oh, oh yeah, sure," it said, slurring its words sleepily.

"Anyway…" Dib eyed the Caterpillar in irritation and continued, "As I was saying, nothing around here makes any sense. And the worst thing is all this growing/shrinking junk. Do you have any idea how annoying it is changing sizes five times in one day?"

Caterpillar Bitters glared at Dib contemptibly. "Believe me, I've had plenty of experience dealing with things that are _annoying_."

"Then you know what I'm talking about," he went on, not picking up on the insult. "I've been running around this dumb place all morning trying to catch Zim, but anytime I eat or drink anything here I end up growing too big or too small to do it."

"So stop eating and drinking things, dimwit," the Caterpillar retorted bluntly.

Dib swallowed his anger as best he could. "Well, yeah… I know that _now_. I'm just trying to point out how weird my day's been."

"Maybe no one cares."

Dib was close to the boiling point now. "But you're the one who asked me-…!"

"Silence!" the Caterpillar snipped and held up a hand, then it just sat there for several minutes puffing away like a smokestack.

"You know that's really bad for your health," Dib stated blankly after the awkward stillness became too much to bear. The snake-like insect ignored him and blew another smoke ring. After another long pause, she turned and glared down at him.

"Exactly what _miserable_ size do you want to be?" she asked gruffly.

"I just want to get back to my normal height again," the tiny human replied in a pitiful tone. "Being the same size as an insect is horrible."

At this the Caterpillar reared up and loomed like a cobra over Dib who filled with dread as he realized his mistake. "Oh, I suppose you're too _good_ to be like a disgusting, hideous, insignificant, slimy, miniscule little insect, huh?" she demanded in an ice cold voice, revealing a mouthful of dagger-like teeth. Dib inched back in terror as the deadly Caterpillar advanced on him.

He shut his eyes and waited for the attack, but when none came he popped one eye open to find the disgruntled bug had vanished. Dib didn't exactly consider this a major loss. Still, out of curiosity he hoisted himself up onto the mushroom, searching for a clue as to where she'd disappeared to, when he was knocked flat by a forceful blast of wind from a pair of beating wings.

Ms. Bitters hovered over him, still resembling a caterpillar and still sporting the same sour expression, except now she'd sprouted two huge butterfly wings. "Although it will make no difference in the long run seeing as how your doomed little life will ultimately amount to nothing, I still have a bit of advice for you," she spat icily. "One side will make you taller, and the other side will make you shorter."

Dib raised his hand timidly. "Um, one side of wh-…"

"THE MUSHROOM OF COURSE!" Butterfly Bitters snarled before he could finish his question, then the former caterpillar curtly turned and flew away high into the air… Then a quick whiff of ozone and a bright BZZT of light flashed far above as she had the unfortunate luck of sailing straight into a bug zapper.

Back on the ground Dib heard a noise and thought he smelled something funny, but he was too busy breaking a bit off either side of the fungus to really notice. He sat and studied the pieces, trying to decide which one to test first, silently cursing the grouchy Bitters-fly. "She could've been more specific, like telling me which side does which. Guess I'll just have to experiment." Dib shrugged and took a bite of the right hand side. Instantly, a strong tingling sensation surged through his veins and Dib was elated to discover that he was growing bigger. He was nearly back to normal and his eyes lit up briefly, then they filled with panic as he realized his growth wasn't stopping. Quite the opposite in fact-- it was speeding up.

A succession of loud TWACKS followed by an equal amount of curse words were heard as Dib crashed through a number of tree branches, eventually emerging head and shoulders above a green sea of leaves. He grumbled and massaged his sore scalp, reflecting on what an awful amount of abuse his poor head had been through today. "I think my ears just popped," he remarked apathetically, picking a branch out of his hair.

Dib slumped his shoulders and looked down at the ground, which seemed rather far off, shuffling his feet for lack of anything better to do. The altitude was making his head swim and Dib's thoughts lazily wandered off to other parts of his conscious. "I wonder if I could get into the Guinness Book of Records for this," he mused dreamily. "I mean it's not every day a person breaks _both_ height records. And there ought to be a 'Mysterious Mysteries' segment about this place, or a tell-all book written about it. Maybe when I get bi-… er, _older_ I'll write one. You know, it's so strange; I've always heard stories about alternate dimensions, but I never thought I'd end up in one… well, except for that one time at Halloween. _That_ was pretty bad. But still, it wasn't as weird as this screwy place."

Dib continued rambling, his head stuck in the clouds (Pun intended or pun not intended, take your pick) when a pigeon, disturbed by all the commotion, flew from its nest and up in his face, knocking him out of his stupor. Dib swatted at it, but the pesty feathered one just circled back around a few times, and settled down tranquilly on top of his head. "Oh no you don't," Dib flicked the intruding bird out of his dark hair with a startled squawk. "The last thing I need now is head pigeons."

"Well! Aren't you a rude one!" the pigeon began to rant, much to Dib's surprise, and flew up to his eye level. "You're lucky I don't peck your eyes out, you… you tree-shark!"

"Tree-shark?!" This was definitely the _stupidest_ thing Dib had heard all day. "I'm not a tree-shark! I'm… I'm…" he paused, suddenly unsure what to say considering all the changes he'd been though recently.

"Well, what are you then?" the bird interrupted. "Come on, come on, I haven't got all day to sit here while you think up a lie!"

"I… I'm a paranormal investigator," Dib finally settled on, figuring this was the safest answer.

The pigeon perched itself on his nose and turned up its beak snootily. "Hmmph, a likely story. And I suppose you don't eat eggs either."

"Er, what's an egg?" Dib flashed a lopsided smile, and this earned him a round of angry squawking and wings beating at his face. "All right! All right! Fine! I _do_ eat eggs, but I don't eat pigeon eggs if that's what you're worried about!"

"Well then just what're you doing up here?" the pigeon challenged.

"I, uh…"

"Tree-shark!" the bird thrust an accusing wing at Dib before he could even begin to answer. "Tree-shark, tree-shark, TREE-SHARK!!"

Dib snatched at the air. "Would you get lost already!"

"You just want me to leave so you can eat my eggs, you monster! Why don't you just leave me alone and go pick on someone your own size?"

"Hey, I was just standing here minding my own business. You're the one who came over and started bugging _me_!" Dib snapped, but the bird was already too busy flapping around and squawking to hear him. "Go away!" He gave another swipe with his hand to no avail. Even worse, more nosy pigeons attracted by the ruckus were now circling ominously around him like little gray vultures, so Dib decided it was time to try the left-hand bit of mushroom.

The shrinking process was even more efficient than the enlargement process had been. Maybe a little _too_ efficient. In the time it took to blink, Dib was suspended in the air at the same elevation he'd been at his altered size, and he plummeted to the Earth with a cry of alarm. The ground was quickly approaching, so with some fast thinking Dib grabbed the corners of his trench coat and used it like a parachute to slow his fall. He landed with a crash on his back, stirring up a cloud of dust.

Dib sat up with a moan, popped his spine back into place, and brushed himself off, discovering in frustration that he was back to his Lilliputian stature. He frowned; All this yo-yoing between extremes was getting ridiculous. "This is the last time I'm trying this," he vowed, and took a tentative lick of the right-hand piece. The familiar tingling returned and Dib began to grow, albeit more slowly this time, till he was a little taller than the grass. Using this method, Dib managed to bring himself up bit by bit, inch by inch until he was his perfect, original height once again.

"Yes!" he thrust his fists triumphantly in the air. "I'm back to normal again!" He did a little victory dance, overjoyed at finally being back to his regular, Dib-ish size. However he still had a certain adversary to find, so he stuffed the two bits of mushroom into his coat pockets, thinking he might want to analyze their chemical properties when he got home, and raced off in the direction he'd last seen Zim headed.


	6. Part 6: Tak, the Hideous Duchess

Part 6: Tak, the Hideous Duchess (Note: This chapter was not originally included in the story. I added it much later on, after Tak appeared on the show, so some people may not have gotten to read it yet)

It didn't take Dib very long to get himself into odd situations down here, so of course he hadn't been walking for more than five minutes when he came upon an enormous mansion. At least it _appeared_ to be a mansion as far as architecture went, but instead of normal brick or siding it had towering steel walls, making it look more like some kind of futuristic fortress. Behind it, was another, even bigger building also made of steel, so tall it reached halfway to the sky it seemed. Probably some kind of factory Dib guessed. It was an impressive structure, and it would have been pretty intimidating if not for the giant smiley-faced figure with weenies for arms perched on top. Still none of it made Dib too anxious to find out who lived there. He stood there for a minute, trying to decide if it might be worth it to seek help from the owner when he heard something behind him. He ducked behind a tree just as a lanky, brown alien figure with blue eyes emerged from the woods whistling a tune and carrying a large envelope. _Rats_, Dib thought, this was the third alien he'd seen today and now he wished more than ever that he'd brought his camera.

The blue-eyed alien made its way up to the mansion and rapped on the front door, which was opened by a similar alien creature, this one with green eyes. "Invitation for the Duchess!" the first alien announced, speaking with a British accent.

"You sure?" questioned the second in an equally Monty Python-esque drawl. "It's not for me?"

"Nope, nope, says right here, 'For the Duchess.'"

"Aw," the green-eyed alien whined, "I never get any mail-y things. They're always for the Duchess. The Duchess _this_, the Duchess _that_… no one ever brings me anything."

"Well, here, you can have this then," the blue-eyed alien handed the other a broken and rather germy looking Pez dispenser. "Found it on the ground on the way over."

"Oooo…" he flipped the yellow smiley head up and down in fascination.

The messenger turned to leave. "Oh, I'll also have one Deelishus Weenie with relish to go, please," he added.

"Oh, 'course." The servant disappeared for a second then popped his head back out the door. "Alright, here you are then." The blue-eyed messenger happily chomped into his hotdog and left the green-eyed servant alone with the envelope.

Dib peered out from his hiding place. "Well… I suppose if anyone can give me some useful information about this place," he told himself, ignoring for the time being that talking to oneself was considered by most a sign of insanity, "it would be a Duchess."

He had a feeling he was most likely walking into certain doom, but nonetheless he marched through the gate and up to the alien servant who was munching on some leftover candy from the Pez dispenser. He seemed to take no notice of the dark-haired newcomer, so Dib went ahead and knocked on the door.

"Go away, no solicitors!" the servant snipped.

"I'm not selling anything," said Dib, "I just want to talk to whoever lives here."

"Hmph," the alien snorted amusedly. "You'll never get anywhere by knocking. They're making too much noise in there to hear you."

"Well, then do you care if I just go inside?" Dib asked.

"It's such a nice day. I'm going to sit here and watch the whales fly by," said the alien, staring off into space and basically ignoring him.

"Um, yeah, how very… nice… for you," Dib said, folding his arms. "So can I go in or not?"

Instead of answering, the alien pulled an ice cream cone out of its pocket. "Can I fuse this to your head?" he asked.

Dib stared up at him blankly. "Um… no?"

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"I'll be your best friend."

"Oh yeah, that's sure to make me say yes," Dib muttered in tones of scathing sarcasm. "What does that even have to do with anything?"

The alien pouted angrily. "You think I'm stupid, don't you!" he accused.

"What are you talking about?" Dib shouted, "I never said anything about-!"

"Can I fuse _this_ to your head?" the alien interrupted, holding out a bag of Doritos.

"Look," Dib grumbled impatiently, "would you just let me inside already?"

"If you were inside and you knocked, I could let you outside," the alien mused, his large emerald eyes staring at the sky.

"But I want to go _in_. Can I?"

The alien sucked tranquilly on a juice box and went on talking to itself. "Why is it that people only knock on the door? Why dun anyone ever knock on the windows? Or the roof? Just once I'd like someone to come knockin' on the roof. It might take a while to open it, but it would certainly be a nice change from-"

Dib was no longer listening. He'd already turned the knob and was about to go in when something crashed inside, though to him it sounded more like several somethings. He put an ear to the door and heard another chorus of shattering noises. "What's going on in there?" he inquired.

"-but I only wanted the Happy Plastic Fun Meal toy, but they said I had to buy the _whole meal!_ They said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but you can only get the toy if you buy the meal." Now how ridiculous is that!? I even offered to pay full price. I said, "Look, just take the bloomin' money and give me the Happy Fun toy," but they told _me_-…"

Dib's eye began to twitch violently; there was clearly no use in talking to this moron. Slowly he opened the door a crack and peeked inside. "Hello? Um, excuse me, is anyone- NYAH!!" Dib ducked as a plate sailed over his head, and he just missed being pelted by a second one headed his way. He yelped again and slammed the door shut just as another china torpedo smashed against it.

"-so then the handle breaks off and I have to carry it around in my teeth. Ha! That was a catastrophe if there ever was one. And I'll tell you something else, they just don't make air fresheners like they used to. I mean, whatever happened to just good ol' pine? It was good enough then and it's good enough now! I say, it's a travesty the way they-" the alien was still sitting there babbling to himself as if nothing had happened, and though Dib was still shaken from his narrow escape he took time to send an icy look his way. Determined to get some answers at any cost, he snatched the letter away from the droning servant to give him an excuse to barge in unannounced, and opened the door once again. Dib had barely stepped inside when a terrible burning sensation filled his nostrils and he began sneezing uncontrollably.

"Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO!! Ah… Ah… AHHH- CHOOOO!!! Unhhh…" after about the fifteenth or sixteenth sneeze he moaned, scratching his abused nose. His eyes were tearing up like crazy, but through them could see… well, very little, for the entire room was filled with a thick cloud of smoke. First the Bitterpillar and now this. Dib's lungs were certainly getting a work out today.

As he ventured further into the room, which he made out to be a kitchen, he thought he could make out two figures in the midst of the inky cloud. Braving the smoke as best he could, he crept closer to them, and slowly the pair came into focus. The first of the two was standing over a large cooking pot dumping shaker after shaker of pepper into it, though most of it missed and ended up adding to the air pollution.

The other figure sat on a low stool in the middle of the room. Both wore old-fashioned looking dresses and sat with their backs to Dib, the large hats they had on obscuring their faces. Coughing a few more times, his throat burning just from the simple task of inhaling, he managed to utter, "Excuse me… cough cough Excuse me, Ma'am? Sorry to barge in on you like this, but I was wondering if-" Dib would have said more, but at that moment the figure on the stool turned to face him, and he gasped when he saw who it was.

"_Tak?!?_ What are _YOU_ doing he-!… Oh, never mind…" Dib relented with a sigh. By this time he was getting too used to seeing twisted versions of the people he knew to be all that surprised.

"I'm afraid I don't know any _'Tak'_," his former Irken classmate spat out the name as if it tasted bad, her purple eyes flashing. "I am the Duchess."

Dib rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "Okay, if you say so. Are you sure this just isn't some lame new disguise or something," he chuckled derisively at her strange get-up.

"You DARE laugh at a _Duchess?!_" Tak exploded.

"Oh Please! I _know_ what you are," Dib pointed a finger at her accusingly, "and you're _no_ Duchess. You're just another evil alien spore who tried to destroy the Earth. And failed miserably I might add," he sniffed with a little more than a hint of contempt. "If I didn't fall for Zim's dumb new disguise, what makes you think I'm going to fall for yours?"

"Why don't you mind your own business?" Tak seethed and began rocking a small, whimpering bundle in her arms. "If everyone minded their own business this world would go around a lot faster than it does," she said, seeming to be more or less addressing the bundle. "MIMI!! Add more barbeque sauce to those weenies!!" she yelled to the cook, and now Dib saw that underneath the dress and huge bonnet was Tak's SIR unit. The metal servant took a bottle of BBQ sauce and squirted it into the pot which began to boil over, so the robot remedied this by adding more pepper to the mix. Of course more pepper meant more sneezing, and Dib was so busy doing this he nearly got caught in the crossfire of pots, knives, sporks, and corn holders Mimi sent across the room.

"Of course if it were up to me the world wouldn't turn at all," the Duchess continued despite the clatter of smashing utensils and Dib's loud sneezes. "It would be filled from pole to pole with sodium fortified and saccharine enriched snack treats and presented to my leaders… but NOO-ooo! Certain things just HAD to get in the way of that didn't they? _DIDN'T THEY!!_"

Dib had a reply for that, but he could barely breathe let alone talk because of the smoke and peppery atmosphere. Not to mention the stove was making the room terribly hot and uncomfortable and he was sweating so bad his unruly sickle of hair drooped down over his eyes. "Um, look…" he began, regretting he'd ever stopped here at all, "I-" he suddenly sneezed again. "I just want to know if maybe you know where Zim is," he continued with a sniffle. Later, once he'd taken care of Zim, Dib vowed he'd have to come back and deal with Tak's planetary threat as well, not to mention getting revenge for the pepper thing, but for now he thought maybe he could at least get some information out of her.

"Zim?" Tak rolled the word over unfamiliarly. "I know no Zim."

Dib smiled in spite of himself. "Well, actually he says he's _not_ Zim, and he's running around wearing this stupid bunny costume saying he's the White Rabbit," he snickered. "I mean, man, how dumb does he think I- HEY!!" he was suddenly yanked forward by his shirtfront and found himself only millimeters away from Tak's face.

"_THE WHITE RABBIT!?!?_" she snarled, _this_ name clearly pushing a button. "That… that… that that that… RRRGHHHH!!! The little ROTTER!! I'm going to rip his scrawny little arms off and beat him over the head with them if I ever get a hold of him again!! That filthy little hare ruined everything for me. EVERYTHING!!!" Tak practically made Dib's ears bleed she was yelling so loud, her British accent thick in her voice, which he noticed grew thicker the angrier she got, and judging by it now she was about 2.5 seconds away from hitting critical mass. Where is he!" she hissed with a psychotic look in her eye.

"I don't know," Dib flinched, "That's what I came to ask you. Oh, and to give you this," he held out the envelope, hoping to distract her. The next second he dropped to the ground as Tak exchanged it for his shirt. The way she glared at the paper Dib thought she was going to scream in rage some more, but instead her face lit up and she waved the envelope in the air.

"Oh! I'm invited to the Queen's game today!" she spouted in an unnervingly cheery voice, apparently forgetting all about the hated White Rabbit. Irken or human, Dib thought he'd never understand girls. "I have to go get ready. Here, hold this for a minute," she said to Dib and flung the bundle she'd been holding at him, which he caught with some difficulty as it squirmed around in his arms.

"What- ? Wait! What Queen? Hey, hold on! What am I supposed to do with this thing?" he called after the Duchess as she left the room. It quickly became apparent he wasn't going to get an answer, so Dib turned his attention to the small creature wrapped in a blanket that was grunting and jerking in his grip. "So, what, is Tak babysitting or something?" he wondered aloud, and the baby answered him by letting out a piercing squeal. "All right, all right! Jeez," Dib struggled to hold the wriggling pile of blankets, "the way you're grunting and squealing like that you'd almost think you're a-…" Dib pulled back a corner of the wrapping, and his eyes widened as he dropped their contents to the floor. "…_Pig!?_" he finished, stunned as he watched a tiny piglet shake off the blanket and trot around in a circle in front of him.

This was simply too much. Dib began backing away, slowly at first, then broke into a run, past Mimi who threw some more plates at him as he went, past the still incessantly chattering servant who was going on about his allergy to bacon and how you just couldn't shop for a good muffler these days, and he didn't stop running until he was back in the woods. The green-eyed alien caught sight of him out the corner of his eye as he sped off.

"Now where's that lil' weasel runnin' off too I wonder?" he yawned and turned his gaze back to the sky where a huge blue whale swam overhead.

Once Dib felt he was a safe enough distance away he stopped and rested against a tree. "Great," he panted, "I _still_ don't know where I am, and worse, I still don't know where I'm going… And that pig was just plain freaky," he shuddered.

Dib crossed his arms and looked at the ground, a depressed look settling over his features. All these crazy, distorted versions of the people he knew who never seemed to know him back, the steady stream of weird occurrences that dogged him one after the next, never knowing where he was headed or where he'd just been, not even able to do something as simple as take a drink of soda without radically fluctuating in size… All of it was enough to make even the most weathered paranormal investigator a little blue. He dealt with some pretty insane stuff back home, but nothing like this, and he was starting to wish he'd never followed Zim to this nonsensical place, but, as always seemed to be the case, Dib was left with little choice but to press onward despite the fact that he'd almost certainly run into more unpleasantness along the way.


	7. Part 6 and a half: The Vasquez Cat

Part 6 ½: The Vasquez Cat

Dib ventured deep into the woods until he came upon a fork in the road that branched out in several different directions. "Perfect," he grumbled and glanced down each path, "Now which way do I go?"

"That depends a lot on where you want to end up," a voice answered.

"It doesn't really matter, as long as I catch up to..." Dib trailed off. "Wait, who said that?" A wicked laugher filled the air in response and Dib followed the sound, spotting a crescent shaped smile hanging eerily above a tree limb. That's right; no eyes, no nose, no ears, just a smile that widened gleefully at Dib's surprise. He watched as a face began to come into focus around it, starting with a triangular shaped nose, then a pair of oval glasses. Soon he found himself staring up at a rail-thin, orange creature with purple stripes and a spiky tuft of purple hair situated between its pointy ears.

"Y-you're a cat," Dib stammered.

"My, aren't you the bright one," the feline grinned with bemused interest. "But I'm not just a regular cat. _I_ am a Cheshire Cat. There's a difference."

"What is it?" Dib asked.

"What's _what_?"

"The difference."

The cat shrugged. "I dunno."

Dib stared at it quizzically.

"I like Funyuns," it said after a pause.

The bespectacled boy narrowed an eye and tried another question. "What do you want?"

"For people to pronounce my name properly would be nice," it chuckled, then continued when it saw Dib's puzzled expression. "Actually, I was just noticing that you seem a little lost," the cat replied, that sinister grin still frozen on its face.

"I guess I sort of am," Dib admitted. "I was wondering which way I should go."

"Which way should you go," the cat repeated, "isn't that the crucial question in life? We wander aimlessly through our existence, always searching for the path that will lead us to some sort of delusion of fulfillment, but all too often we are misled into a deep pit of despair with no hope of redemption," it finished dramatically, sucking in a breath of air through gritted teeth.

Dib stared at the cat blankly. "I just wanted to know which road I should take is all," he said gesturing to the numerous paths.

The cat blinked. "Oh. Well, in that case..." it waved a paw toward a trail, "why don't you go this way."

"Why? What's down that way?" Dib inquired.

"Who cares?" the cat slid off the branch and hung upside down by its tail. "You said it didn't matter which way you went."

Dib felt himself losing his temper again. "I meant that I don't care as long as I find Zim."

"Zim?" the Cheshire Cat perked up an ear.

"Yeah, little green alien with bunny ears and a fluffy tail. You wouldn't happen to have seen him, would you?"

The cat swung back up on its perch and scratched its head with a long claw. "No," it said after a moment, "but perhaps the Mad Hatter has. You should go ask him."

"_Mad_ hatter?" Dib scrunched up his nose. "I don't know if I like the sound of that."

"Don't worry," the cat assured him, "Actually he's not so much mad as he is mind-bogglingly stupid, but he's still pretty insane."

"But I don't want to go around insane people," Dib griped.

The Cheshire Cat grinned evilly. "Oh, you can't help that. We're all insane here. I'm insane. You're insane. We're all insane," it chanted in a sing-song voice.

"I am _NOT_ insane!" Dib snapped. Being called insane by someone in this place was _REALLY_ an insult.

The purple striped cat pulled a cherry Ice Sucky out of thin air and slurped on it casually. "Yes you are, or you wouldn't be here," it said simply.

Dib didn't think that proved it at all, however he went on. "And how do you know _you're_ insane?"

If it were possible, the wiry cat's maniacal grin curled up even wider. "Three words: _Happy Noodle Boy_."

Dib squinted up at the cat, not even wanting to ask. Seeing his expression caused the cat to break out in a fit of giggles and it started to vanish, beginning at the tip of the tail and ending at the neck where the head remained for a moment floating in mid-air. The remainder of the cat still snickered madly, the snicker rising to a devilish cackle, and finally crescendoing to a deafening howl before the Cheshire Cat's smile faded away.

Dib blinked up at the spot where the cat had just been. "Okay, that was disturbing." He gazed around at the trails, figuring he was no worse off going to see this 'Mad Hatter' than he was now. He started to walk, but realized that the cat hadn't informed him which way to go. Dib looked around again, uncertainty tugging at his features.

"By the way..." a voice spoke up behind him, causing Dib to jump a mile. He whipped around to see the emaciated feline again sitting on a tree branch.

"Don't DO that!" Dib held a hand over his pounding heart.

The cat just grinned maliciously. "You'll want to go that-a-way," it continued pointing with its tail down a path. "And _DO_ enjoy your stay here!" it laughed, and once more vanished from sight.

Dib narrowed his eyes for the hundredth time that day and marched off in the direction that the Cheshire Cat had pointed out, dreading who or _what_ he'd find at the end of the road.


	8. Part 7: When Good GIRs Go Mad

Part 7: When Good GIRs Go 'Mad'

Dib hadn't gone too far when he came upon a very unusual sight, though considering all he'd seen lately that wasn't saying much. It was a house, but an oddly shaped house painted bright green with two circular windows on either side, and two black, wedge shaped chimneys right above those. A short, square piece of red carpeting led to the front door, which had a black triangular porch light right above it. With all these features put together the house almost looked like a green puppy with its tongue hanging out, and Dib would have laughed had he not found it so unsettling.

A long table was set out in front under a grove of trees. As Dib approached the yard, a lilting tune filled his ears and he heard a voice singing, "Doom Doom Doom, Doomy Doomy Doom! Doom Doom Doom, Doody-doody Doom DOOM!"

Dib cocked an eyebrow, already getting a bad feeling about this. "Curiouser and curiouser," he muttered. Then, _Hmm, why did I just say that?_ he wondered, feeling as if he were quoting from something familiar, but as the phrase seemed to fit the situation quite aptly he didn't dwell on it.

He stepped through the front gate and spotted who could only be the Mad Hatter sitting at the head of the table. "Oh _no_," Dib smacked his forehead; the Mad Hatter was none other than Zim's crazy little robot, GIR, and if it wasn't it sure bore a striking resemblance. The robot was dressed in a long jacket and had on a grossly oversized top hat with a card that read '**Z?**' stuck in the brim. He sat in a large, high-backed chair, his eyes telescoping inquisitively at the funny looking newcomer.

"Hi!" GIR chirped letting his tongue wag out. "Are you the pizza guy?"

"No, but-…"

"Aww," GIR hung his head disappointedly. "I wanted pizza," he whined, picking up a gooey, cheesy slice of pizza and chomping into it.

"But you've got a piece right there," Dib said, feeling a headache coming on.

GIR stopped chewing and looked in his hand. "Oh yeeeeeaaaahh…." he drawled and slurped the cheese off happily at this discovery, making smacky, slobbery, sucky noises in the process.

Dib's stomach churned and he swallowed uneasily. "Er, excuse me, but can you tell me which way Zim went?" he asked, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"I'm having a tea-party!" GIR bubbled in his tin can voice, ignoring the question. "Here," he held out a cup for Dib, "you can play too!"

"I don't have time to play 'tea-party', I need to find Zim. Now do you know where he went?"

"Have some tea first… Please?" GIR asked in tones of pure innocence.

"No! I told you I don't have time to-…" Dib started, but paused when he saw the heartbroken look on the robot's face, his metal lip trembling and his aqua colored eyes brimming with tears. "Oh, all right, but only for a few minutes," Dib caved.

GIR's face lit up excitedly. "YAY!!" he screeched and inexplicably threw his pizza into the air. "Hey, where'd my pizza go?" he looked at his empty hand puzzled, then the drippy slice landed back in his open palm. "Oh, there you are!" he smiled and happily gobbled the rest of it down.

Yes, a headache was definitely brewing, Dib thought as he sighed (something he seemed to be doing a lot of recently) and sat down in a big, cushy armchair. He surveyed the spread, noticing a dotting of quaint little tea-items set out on the table such as teacups, teapots, silverware, plates, and sugar-bowls. Of course the picturesque charm was somewhat ruined by the fact that most of these were obscured by taco wrappers, empty Slurpy cups, potato chip bags, and greasy, old pizza boxes.

"These are my friends," the quote-unquote "Mad Hatter" grinned at Dib and gesticulated to two little forms sitting in the chairs beside him, one being a stuffed moose toy, the other a scraggly, stuffed monkey, both dressed up in cute little suits. "This is the March Monkey and the Dormoose! Go ahead, say 'Hi' to… um, the guy who isn't the Pizza Guy, Mister Monkey!"

Dib leaned over to get a better look at the Mad Hatter's 'guest', reaching out his hand to touch the scary looking monkey toy. "That is the ugliest stuffed monkey I've ever-… NUH!" Dib yelped and pulled away as the monkey snapped at him. "This thing isn't stuffed!"

"No, he's Mister March Monkey," GIR squeaked and tied a pair of brown rabbit ears onto its head, "only for the party he's being Mister March Hare!" The monkey just sat there, looking quite absurd, and yet still freakishly scary in its bunny hood, growling at Dib.

The scythe-haired boy shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding it would be best _not_ to examine the moose toy.

"Here," GIR shoved a teacup in Dib's face, "have some tea!"

Dib took the cup and put it to his lips when GIR snatched it away from him. "Wait, I'll put some sugar in it," he said and dumped the entire contents of a sugar bowl into Dib's cup. "That's better!" he declared in his high-pitched voice. Dib just stared at the pile of amber colored slop in the teacup and shoved it aside.

"So anyway, I was wondering…" he began conversationally, "You haven't by any small chance seen Zim today, have you?"

"What's a Zim?" GIR asked chomping into a burrito.

"No, not what, _who_," Dib corrected.

"Who what?"

"_What!?_"

"Who?"

"_Huh?_"

"Ice Cream?"

Dib buried his face in his hands with an exasperated moan, his dull headache inching towards a full-fledged migraine.

The top hat adorned automaton noticed his aggravation. "Aww, I know what you need," it smiled its cutest smile and jumped out of its chair, embracing Dib's head in a tight hug.

"Ugh! No, get off! Squeezing… brain! … Skull… collapsing…" Dib struggled to pry the overly affectionate robot off his cranium while also trying to remain conscious. Actually quite a feat if you think about it.

GIR released his grip and Dib tried to shake away the dark blotches that were muddling his vision. Of course GIR's 'hug therapy' had only made his headache worse. He put a hand to his ear to feel if his brain was leaking out.

"You're fun Mister 'Not the Pizza Guy'," GIR giggled rather adorably.

"My name is Dib," he groaned, his head still reeling.

"Oh. Okay," GIR said flatly, then his face brightened, "I'm gonna sing the Dib song now! Dib Dib Dib! Dibby-Dibby-Dib Dib…"

Dib looked down at the table, searching for a spot to bang his head on.

Luckily, the Mad Hatter-GIR had ceased his little concert and was now preoccupied flying the Dormoose around like an airplane, complete with sound effects, so Dib was spared. Still, he was getting pretty sick of the insane way people acted in this world. Of course if he'd really stopped to think about it he might have realized that this version of GIR was pretty much exactly the same as the old one, and that went the same for most of the others he'd encountered too.

"Gah!" Dib suddenly yelled as a brown blur was thrust in his face.

"Mister Dormoose likes you!" GIR grinned and wiggled the moose in front of Dib's eyes, poking him with its antlers. Dib brushed the offending moose aside and the robot held out another cup to him. "Have some more tea!" he offered.

Dib didn't bother to point out that he hadn't had any yet, so it was impossible for him to have more. He declined when GIR offered him some sugar and lifted the cup to take a sip, but then thought better of it, remembering the strange effects the cuisine around here seemed to have on him, and set the cup down as politely as possible.

"You don't like it?" GIR asked in a wounded tone.

Dib, not wanting to upset the sensitive little robot, thought up a quick excuse. "Um, no. I mean _yes_, I like it, but I, ah… I'm allergic to tea," he finished lamely, mentally smacking himself upside the head. However, the explanation seemed to satisfy the Mad Hatter.

"Okie-dokie!" GIR stuck out his tongue in ignorant bliss. "How 'bout a Chocolate Brain Freezy?"

"Uh… I'm allergic to those too. Now please," Dib began, pronouncing each word slowly and sharply as if GIR were stupid (because… well, he _was_), "I really, _really_ need to know… have you seen Zim come past here today? You know, a green alien wearing rabbit ears and carrying a watch?" Dib added when GIR just stared blankly.

GIR scrunched up his features in what little thought he possessed. "Yes. Um, wait… No. Hmm? What's that Mister Dormoose?" he held up the moose toy to a non-existent ear. "Mister Dormoose says he did," GIR announced proudly.

Dib's eye began to twitch. "And did 'Mister Dormoose' say which way he went?"

GIR held up the moose again and a mischievous, childlike smile spread across his face. "He says it's a secret! But he might tell you if you sing him a song."

"I'm not singing you a song you stupid moose, now just tell me which way Zim went!" Dib shouted. Then he realized he was shouting at a stuffed animal and immediately felt like an idiot. He didn't have to worry about feeling that way for too long however, for the March Monkey, er…um '_Hare_', decided to take this moment to jump up on the table and start throwing stuff at him. "Ow!" Dib leaped from his chair as a saucer hit him in the head and he quickly dodged a plate of Taquitos sailing towards him. The scary monkey kept hurling items at Dib, and when that got old it started screeching wildly and chased him around the table.

GIR bounced joyfully in his seat, greatly entertained at seeing the psychotic primate going after the screaming Dib-human. "The March Hare wants you to sing too!" he smiled at Dib as if the terrified boy _wasn't_ running for his life.

"Alright! Alright! Just get this thing away from me!" Dib pleaded, ducking behind a chair.

At this the monkey abruptly stopped its rampage and walked calmly back to its place. Dib followed suit, slinking back to his own chair in complete humiliation (Hey, you'd be embarrassed too if you were being chased by a monkey with bunny ears).

Dib groaned warily, "Okay, let's get this over with. What do you want me to sing?"

"Ah ah ah," GIR wagged a finger at him, "Ask Mr. Dormoose!"

Dib gritted his teeth, wishing he had something to strangle. "Okay... Mr. Dormoose, what should I sing?"

GIR listened to the toy's imaginary whispers. "He says sing 'Twinkle, twinkle'!"

Dib rolled his eyes and began, "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I-..."

"No, no, that's not how it goes," GIR interrupted. "It goes: Twinkle, twinkle, little mongoose… uh, what rhymes with mongoose?" he looked at Dib expectantly.

"I thought _you_ knew the song," he replied.

"I forgot the words. I know, we can sing the Barney song instead! 'I love you, you love meee!…"

"NO! Anything but that!" Dib cut him off sharply and started singing 'Twinkle, twinkle, little mongoose' and surprisingly enough managed to come up with a rhyme for the word.

GIR clapped and kicked his legs up and down as Dib finished the song. "Yay! Now tell me a story about giant pigs!"

"No!" Dib slammed his fist on the table, his temper wearing dangerously thin, "I don't have time for this. I played along with your little tea-party thing, now just tell me where Zim went!"

"He went... That way!" GIR squealed and pointed in two different directions at once, then proceeded to jump up on the table and start smashing dishes over his head. "WHEEHEEHOOOO!!" he reveled in his smashy fun, and the March Hare added its two cents by screeching at the top of its lungs and flinging more food. Dib barely missed being nailed by a jar of mayo. Fed up, he pushed back his chair disgustedly and stalked away, glancing back just once to see the Mad Hatter trying to stuff the Dormoose into a teapot and the so-called March Hare picking vermin out of its fur.

"Well, that was a huge waste of time," Dib remarked as he marched sulkily into the woods. "Is everyone around here a complete moron!? Well I've had it with this place! I don't even care if I find Zim anymore, I just want to go home!"

It suddenly occurred to Dib that he hadn't even once thought about exactly how he _was_ going to get home again. His light brown eyes shifted back and forth apprehensively. "It shouldn't be that hard... right?"

Just as he was puzzling over this, he noticed one of the trees up ahead had a door carved right into it. Very odd, yes, but Dib was in no position to find it so.

Going through it seemed to be as good an option as any, and besides it was either that or keep running around in the woods. "Please let this lead somewhere sane," Dib prayed and stepped inside.


	9. Part 8:The Queen of Hearts

Part 8: The Queen of Hearts

Well it certainly _looked_ promising.

Dib, having stepped through the door, now found himself in a sun-filled court yard graced with a number of well kempt hedges and rose bushes scattered amongst colorful spans of flower beds.

It was nice. It was bright. But best of all it looked halfway normal, and Dib decided to take a look around. He made his way down the rows, smiling as his mind jotted down the much welcome commonness of his surroundings:

_Grass. _

_Normal. _

_Trees. _

_Normal. _

_Fountain. _

_Normal. _

_Cards painting rosebush. _

_Nor- _huh?

Dib rewound that last one. He said it over more slowly. _Cards. Painting. Rosebush? _He scratched his head in bewilderment at the scene before him.

Standing around one of the bushes were three, living, breathing playing cards. This would have been peculiar enough in itself, except the cards all looked like kids from his class; Zita, who was the five of hearts, and Melvin, who was the six of clubs, stood on the ground while the seven of spades resembling The Letter M stood on a ladder. And just to make things even weirder, all three were busy painting the roses purple.

_Well, it was nice while it lasted_ Dib thought, mentally waving goodbye to his last lingering thread of sanity.

"Hey! Watch it Six, you almost got paint in my eye!" Zita yelled and smacked Melvin with her paintbrush.

"Ow!" Melvin yapped and retaliated with a shove.

The Letter M glared at them from his perch. "Hey! Knock it off you two! We have to get these things painted before she comes back!"

"Um…'Scuse me," Dib said, coming up next to the small group. "What're you doing?"

"We're ironing our underwear. Jeez, what's it _look_ like we're doing?" The Letter M snapped and dipped his brush in a paint bucket. "We're painting these roses."

"But… why?"

"Because _someone_ (he shot a look at Melvin as he said this) ordered white rose trees, but the Queen wanted purple ones, so now we have to fix them before she finds out."

"Queen?"

"Yeah, the Queen of Hearts. Sheesh, don't you know anything?" The Letter M replied, slopping another glop of paint onto a flower.

_Why exactly did I come over and start talking to these people again? _Dib wondered irritably. _And wouldn't spray paint be faster?_

The Letter M went on, "If she ever found out about this," he paused and made a slicing motion across his throat, "It'd be off with our heads."

"Oh…" Dib's hand reflexively went to his neck and he rubbed it tensely. He was about to say something else, when all the sudden the sky grew dark, and angry looking clouds swirled overhead as if all hell were about to break loose. Lightning flashed, the grass seemed to dry up and turn a sickly brown color, the flowers wilted in a matter of seconds, the fountains suddenly ceased their spewing of water. The courtyard, which was bright and inviting a moment ago, was now desolate and gray, and a bitter chill tainted the formerly calm breeze. Dib observed all this with a deadpan expression.

"Let me guess," he said dryly, "… the Queen, right?" Considering the way his classmates were now running around screaming, he considered his question answered.

The sound of trumpets filled the air causing Zita, The Letter M, and Melvin to dive to the ground; actually, Melvin just fainted, however he still ended up on the ground. Dib stayed where he was, anxious to see the Queen, his natural, paranormalist curiosity once again overriding that pesky little voice in his head called 'common sense'.

The first ones to enter the courtyard were more cards looking like the kids in his class; there was Sarah, Brian, Mary, Spoo, Gretchen, Mathew P. Mathers III, and Rob to name a few. Also amongst them was the one kid in his class Dib had been looking for ever since this morning when he'd followed him down the rabbit hole.

"Zim!" he gasped as the green one hopped by, still looking like some sort of deranged Easter Bunny with his fluffy, cottontail and floppy rabbit ears. Zim wiggled his widdle, pink bunny nose and glanced around forebodingly, getting the feeling that somehow, somewhere, some fanfiction author was making fun of his outfit.

The next one to come was Keef trailing behind Zim, then the Knave of Hearts, Iggins, who was carrying a pillow upon which sat a game console. After that came the Duchess and Mimi, who were now in human and kitten disguise, and finally two more card children, Torque Smacky and Chunk, came carrying a throne on two poles, and Dib's jaw dropped as he got his first glimpse of the Queen of Hearts.

"GAZ!?"

Dib knew he shouldn't have been surprised, but even after all he'd been through he still couldn't help being shocked at finding his own sister here. _Well_ _that explains the game on the pillow_ he thought with a touch of amusement.

Gaz looked the same as she usually did, but like all the other's he'd encountered she had some notable differences. Instead of her usual black dress, she had on a purple floor-length gown with a poofy skirt and red hearts all over it. Her skull pendant held a velvet cape in place, and her berry colored locks stuck out from under a huge gold crown with a big red heart placed at the tip. She scanned the courtyard like a wolf hunting for prey, and her eyes happened upon the dripping roses.

"HALT!" she ordered and climbed off the chair, sauntering over to the paint splattered rose tree. She touched one of the blossoms and pulled back a purple stained finger. Her charcoal lined eyes narrowed dangerously. "Who's been painting my ROSES!" she growled, glancing down at the three groveling servants.

"It was Seven, your Majesty!"

"No, it was the Six! He did it!"

"I didn't do it, it was Five!"

"Was not, Smellyhead!"

"Was too, Dookyface!"

The cards kept on flinging accusations back and forth between each other and the Queen turned red with fury. "ENOUGH OF THIS!! WHO WAS IT?!"

Suddenly, all three of them simultaneously pointed at Dib. "It was him!"

"Hey!" the young paranormalist stumbled back as all eyes darted in his direction.

"And just _who_ is this?" demanded the Queen, strolling up to Dib.

"Gaz, it's ME, Dib! Don't you know me?" he asked in a pitiful tone. True, no one else seemed to have any idea who he was, but _surely_ his own flesh and blood would recognize him.

The Queen glowered at the stranger critically. "I've never seen you before in my life."

"Well _I_ have," Zim suddenly appeared at her side. "This_ NUISCENCE_," he spat the word, "has been stalking me all day long! And he keeps insisting I'm this 'Zim' creature!"

"That's because you are, you bloodthirsty alien parasite! And I don't know why you led me here, but I'm gonna find out what you're up to."

"Tch, I doubt it, psycho-stalker boy" Zim stuck out his tongue.

"QUIET!" Gaz shot a burning look at Dib. "Off with his head!"

"What!? But I didn't do anything!" Dib objected and his words caused a stir amongst the crowd. The Queen glared fiercely at him through squinted eyes.

"You dare to question MY orders?"

"Well if I'm gonna get my head cut off anyway, what difference does it make?"

The Queen put a hand to her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm, fair enough. Well if it wasn't you who painted my roses, it must have been _you_," she pointed to the three gardeners. "Off with their heads!" she bellowed and they were immediately apprehended by the guards.

"Nice going, six," Zita fumed.

"Me!? This is all your fault!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Uh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Cram it you morons!" The Letter M snapped, and the three were dragged away squabbling.

"…And make it quick, we've got a game to start" the Queen added, turning to Zim who smiled wolfishly and produced a large axe out of nowhere, with a blade at least his own height.

"Jeez Zim! What's with the axe?" Dib gasped.

"Duh," the Queen answered, as if it were painfully obvious to the most brain dead of individuals, "He's the Executioner."

Dib gulped, "H-he's... what?"

"FOOL!" Zim snapped. "Why else would I have been in such a hurry to get here?" and with that he scampered off in the direction of the three condemned, leaving Dib to wonder what kind of complete idiot would give Zim control over a deadly weapon.

"And as for you," the Queen said turning back to him, "Can you play croquet?"

"I don't think so, I've never played before. B-but I think I can learn," he added hastily when she shot him a deadly glance.

"Then let the game start," she announced leading the way towards the playing field. Dib lagged behind, getting the distinct feeling things were about to get weird again. _I didn't even know Gaz liked to play croquet _he thought to himself.

The guards promptly began handing round the equipment, and Dib rolled his eyes when he saw that the mallets were actually live flamingos and the balls were hedgehogs. "The sad thing is I'm actually getting used to this," he muttered. Dib was the next one in line, and Spoo, the guard handing out the balls and mallets, came up to him empty handed.

"Sorry," he shrugged, "we're all out of flamingos. You'll have to use the auxiliary mallet." He snapped his fingers, and a huge shadow fell over Dib who slowly turned to face the owner.

"Ulp! I-I have to use _this_?" he choked at the sight of the enormous ostrich standing over him.

"Oh, and we're out of hedgehogs too. Here," said Spoo, handing Dib a weasel, which was at the moment foaming at the mouth.

"Can't I just use those?" he asked pointing towards a stack of wooden mallets and croquet balls off to one side. He quickly withdrew his question when everyone in the crowd gave him a funny look. The ostrich chose this awkward moment to peck Dib in the shoulder, causing him to drop the weasel, which latched its teeth onto his sleeve, and he began flailing his arms wildly trying to dislodge it.

The Queen's cardboard minions all took their positions on the field and bent over to form the wickets, and the game began with Gaz going first. She easily sent her hedgehog sailing under all the cards and smoothed her dress smugly as the crowd cheered. "Your turn," she said to Dib, jerking her thumb towards the playing field.

Dib had managed to pry the rabid weasel off his jacket and he set it on the grass. He got some more funny looks and a few snickers from the crowd as he tried to figure out just how he was supposed to hold his ostrich. As ridiculous as it sounded, Dib was envying the players who'd gotten flamingos right about now.

Not knowing what else to do he grabbed the ostrich's leg, and it responded by biting his nose. Dib hollered in pain and grabbed the bird's neck, trying to wrestle it to the dirt, but it twisted violently and flung him to the ground. Unfortunately the place he landed just happened to be the same place his weasel was sitting, and the disgruntled creature leaped up and clamped itself onto Dib's face. And just to make Dib's life even _more_ complicated, the ostrich started pecking at him again.

By the time Dib pried the weasel off and escaped from his peck-happy ostrich, the game had continued without him. Having had enough unpleasantness for one day, he plunked down on a nearby bench and leaned on his elbows. "Of all the stupid things…" he muttered, scanning the grounds. By now, no one was even bothering to take turns, and every player was shooting at once. Gaz naturally seemed to be the only one good at the game, Keef was fleeing in terror from his flamingo _and_ his hedgehog, Tak was pouring barbeque sauce on the wickets for some inexplicable reason, and Zim was busy brandishing his axe around like a lunatic, threatening his uncooperative flamingo.

"I care not for your honks of protest, pink feather-beast. You will succumb to your master! The sweet, chickeny taste of victory will be MINE!!" He let out his best battle cry and leaped for the bird which flapped its wings and ran around frantically, spewing cotton-candy colored feathers everywhere. One of these feathers landed at Dib's feet, and he regarded it miserably. Even seeing Zim acting like an idiot wasn't enough to cheer him up.

"I just want to go home," he sulked.

"Aw, you're not enjoying the game?" a familiar voice came from above. Dib looked up and saw without surprise the Cheshire Cat's head floating over his shoulder.

"Not really," he answered, leaning back on his elbows.

"That's too bad. And I came here to cheer you on, but it's kinda hard to root for someone who's not playing."

"_You_ try playing croquet with a two-hundred pound ostrich for a mallet."

"I really rather prefer playing with penguins," the cat said, his grin ever frozen. "You get a much better follow through with them."

Dib smacked his forehead; he really couldn't take much more of this nonsense.

"Say," the cat went on, "did you ever find that 'Zim' thingie you were looking for?"

Dib sighed unenthusiastically. "Yeah."

The cat narrowed a bespectacled eye. " But you don't seem too happy about it. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I _did_, but now I just want to go home. I've had it up to here with this nuthouse. I want to get back home where things are normal. Well, maybe not exactly normal… semi-normal I guess, at least in their own right."

There was a short pause. "I can tell you how to get home," the cat smiled impishly.

"What! Really? You can?" Dib nearly jumped off his seat.

"Of course. All you have to do is click your heels together three times and say 'there's no place like home.'"

"Nothing happened," Dib said after following the cat's instructions. "Are you sure you know what you're talking about?"

The cat scratched his purple hair with a paw that had appeared. "Hmm, well I… uh, no. No, I guess not. Never mind. I must be thinking of the wrong story. Sorry. But I really _do_ know how you can get home again."

"Well, _how_?" Dib pleaded.

"Uh… Give me a sec," the cat said, twisting its features in thought, and Dib rolled his eyes. Was he forever doomed to spend the rest of his life in this house of diseased head meat!?

"Oh, okay I got it!" the cat switched back to its usual toothy grin. "I can't believe I forgot! Heh heh, where _is_ my head today! I swear I'd lose it if it wasn't screwed on," he giggled madly and his disembodied head did a barrel roll as he spoke, "although in my case I don't think that's a very good metaphor. My head never gets lost, it's my body that always seems to be missing, so I guess you could say-…"

"Will you just tell me already!" Dib broke in.

"Tell you what? What you could say?"

"No! Tell me how to get home!"

"Oh! Oh yeah, of course. It's very simple, really. You just have to-…"

Just then, they were interrupted by an enraged shriek, and Dib's attention was immediately drawn over to where Gaz was in the process of shaking Iggins by the collar and screaming in his face.

"RRRAAARRGHHH!! WHERE IS IT!? WHERE'S MY GAME SLAVE! YOU STOLE IT DIDN'T YOU! YOU WERE THE LAST ONE WHO HAD IT! GIVE IT BACK TO ME NOWOR SUFFER MY WRATH!!"

"I-I d-didn't t-take- take i-i-iit!" the Knave insisted between shakes.

Gaz bared her teeth like a wild animal and let Iggins drop to the ground. "OFF WITH HIS HEEEEEAAAAD!!" she bellowed, hyperventilating with rage, and Zim was instantaneously at her side. His claw-like fingers curling eagerly around the axe handle,he raised the blade high over his head.

"Wait!" Dib interjected sprinting over, having absolutely no desire to see someone decapitated. "Shouldn't you have a trial first?"

"Why would I want to do that?" Gaz seethed.

"Well… Because you don't know for sure if the Knave stole the game, and it's only fair that there be a trial," he explained helpfully.

Gaz didn't look convinced.

"And if he _did_ take it, and you execute him now, you'll never find out where he's hiding it."

Gaz still didn't look convinced.

"Aaaaannnnd… You get to bang around a really big hammer."

This seemed to perk Gaz's interest and she smiled fiendishly. "Alright then, let the trial begin! Come on," she beckoned to Dib.

"What? No, I don't… I mean, I didn't mean right _now_," he tried in vein to protest, but the Queen was already leading away the procession.

Dib, remembering the Cheshire Cat had been about to offer him some crucial advice, quickly glanced back at the spot where it had been, but the feline's floating noggin had disappeared.

"Darn it!" he snapped his fingers, then, slumping his shoulders in defeat slunk after the Queen and her henchmen. "Something tells me I should've just stayed in bed this morning."


	10. Part 9: Who Stole the Game Slave?

Part 9: Who Stole the Game Slave?

The courtroom was packed. Absolutely everyone, it seemed, had shown up for the trial, including all the characters from the show I haven't stuck in here yet. There was Bloaty, the Swollen Eyeball members, Sergeant Shnooky, The Poop Dog, Slabrankle, Bill from the FBI, Shunk, Count Cocofang, Mr. Dwicky, Skooge, Steve Ressel, not to mention every other character in Jhonendom, like Nny, Devi, Squee, Sickness, Tenna, Wobbly Headed Bob, Nail-bunny, and, your friend and mine, Happy Noodle Boy filling the seats in the audience, though the Happy Noodle Boy was quickly detained and dragged from the room, screaming something about hamster lint and Spaghetti-O's.

Among the new faces, Dib also recognized a few familiar ones like Tweedle Red and Tweedle Purple, Butterfly Bitters, the pigeon, and for some reason the little doorknob was there too. There was also a girl there with long, dark, auburn hair and blue eyes, sitting by herself typing busily away on a laptop.

"I don't remember seeing you here before," Dib said approaching her. The girl just smiled at him mysteriously.

"Don't mind me, I'm just another casual observer," she said with a wink and turned back to her typing. She seemed nice enough, so Dib hopped in the seat next to her, deciding to stay out of morbid curiosity. After all, the trial _was_ his idea, no matter how much he regretted it now.

In the midst of the large crowd stood a high judge's bench at which Gaz sat, tapping her finger impatiently, just itching to order some executions, and Zim stood below with his axe just waiting to carry them out.

"Be quiet!" Gaz bellowed banging her gavel, and the chatter gradually died down. "Read the accusations!" she said after a moment, and Zim promptly unrolled a long scroll and read as follows:

The Queen of the Gamers,

Retired to her chambers

Some vampire pigs ready to slay

But the bug-eyed Knave

Stole her Game Slave

And took it right away

"Call the first witness," the Queen ordered.

"Wait a minute!" Iggins, who was draped in chains, interrupted, "Don't I get to make a plea?"

"Like it'll make a difference," Gaz replied, "let's just get this over with so we can get to the sentencing."

Zim's ruby eyes skimmed the scroll. "This court calls the Mad Hatter to the stand!"

Just as the name was called, from the back of the room came a loud clattering like the sound of dishes being broken, and GIR appeared in the doorway and trotted up to the witness stand with a teacup in hand. The pale gray robot looked around as if it didn't quite know what it was doing there, until it spotted Zim. "Hi!" he smiled pleasantly.

"GIR, what are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?" Zim demanded, and Dib gave a tiny snort of laughter. _Like_ you _should talk _he thought smugly. "Take off that hat!" Zim commanded.

"'Kay," GIR complied and set the hat on the ground. He pulled out a can of whipped cream, and proceeded to squirt the entire contents into his mouth, half the substance filling his cheeks, the other half drooling out the side of his mouth, and he flicked his tongue around trying to slurp it back up. "Want some?" he offered the can to Zim.

"Er, no thanks," Zim said, turning a little bit greener than he already was. "I just want to ask you a few questions."

"Ooooo! Am I on a game show?" GIR asked, enthused.

"No, GIR, you're at a trial."

The robot smacked a hand down on an imaginary buzzer. "I'll take 'Things You Find in Your Belly-button' for $300!"

"NO GIR!" Zim exploded, "You're not on TV! Now stay focused!"

When the mechanical one didn't say anything else, Zim nodded and puffed out his chest importantly. "Alright, now te-... GIR? Why is there a monkey on your head?"

GIR glanced cluelessly up at the March Hare sitting on top of his metal skull. "Uhhh... it's enjoying the view?" he suggested.

"Never mind," Zim exhaled loudly, "just give us your evidence."

The robot dug around in his pockets and pulled out his empty hands. "Don't have any."

"Are you sure?"

"Um, I mighta put it in my hat." GIR started pulling objects out of the over-large top hat left and right. Soon he had a pile of junk stacked as high as he was. Zim walked over and sifted through it.

"GIR! What are you doing with my molecular splicing ray?" Zim said, pulling a foreign looking object from the pile. "I've been looking everywhere for this!"

"I used it to make lemonade," he grinned innocently.

"Sure you did," Zim murmured, glancing up at Gaz who was tapping her gavel dangerously. He hurried on, "If you took this, then did you also take the Queen's Game Slave?"

"Am I under oats?" GIR asked.

"Um, I think you mean oath, GIR, and no, you're not."

"Can I be? Pleeeeeease? Please please please PLEASE?"

Zim groaned, "Oh, I suppose so."

"Yay! What do I win?"

"You don't win anything."

"Aww," GIR sighed disappointedly.

"Now answer the question please."

"What question?"

A rather large vein was starting to throb on Zim's forehead. "Did you take the Game Slave?" he got out through gritted teeth.

After about five minutes of excruciating, gear grinding thought, GIR finally answered, "Nope."

"Do you know who did take it?"

"Uh, magical game gnomes?" he offered.

"Don't be ridiculous, GIR, everyone knows game gnomes are extinct," Zim sniffed.

"Er… Poodles with hairnets?"

"Well, that _is_ a possibility," Zim agreed thoughtfully, "but I rather doubt it."

"Then I dunno."

"Alright, GIR, you can stand down," Zim said. GIR looked at the floor, trying to figure out just how to do that. "I mean you can leave now," Zim added irritably, "and take that monkey with you."

"Okay, bye!" GIR bounced away, but not before the March Hare could hurl the empty can of whipped cream at Dib who just barely missed getting whacked. (What _IS_ it with Dib and that monkey?)

"I'd say 'off with his head' but I doubt he'd miss it," Gaz muttered. "Call the next witness."

Zim unrolled his scroll again. "The next witness is the Dormoose!"

Conveniently enough, the Dormoose was already on the stand, being one of the things GIR had pulled out of his hat. "Now, Mister Dormoose," Zim sucked in a breath and paced back and forth, "tell the court what you know about this in your own words."

The moose of course just sat there.

"Hmm, yes I see, very interesting," Zim rubbed his chin. "Did you get that down, jury?" he glanced over to where about a dozen pigs sat writing on slates.

"Got it!" answered a few.

"Um, how do you spell that?" asked one.

"With two 7's I believe," answered another.

"OINK!" exclaimed a third.

Dib crossed his arms and slumped down in his seat. "This is ludicrous," he grumbled. The way this trial was going he'd be stuck in this crazy land forever with these lunatics.

"Now would you like to elaborate on that, Mister Dormoose?" Zim went on. The moose was perfectly silent.

Zim bent forward. "Uh-huh… yes, go on," he nodded as if listening intently, then his features narrowed in anger. "What do you mean that's all you know? You must know more than that! I couldn't get you to shut up a minute ago, and now you don't know anything? You're withholding evidence, aren't you!" Zim jumped up on the witness box and regarded the toy threateningly. "I'm warning you, speak up vile moose thing, or else I'll-…" he trailed off, his eyes bugging out in fury. "What!? How dare you speak to me like that! Now you will pay! Prepare to face my mighty wrath of DOOM!!" The next instant, the alien and the Dormoose were locked in a savage brawl on the floor.

Dib wasn't sure which was more pathetic, the fact that Zim was fighting with a toy moose, or the fact that the moose seemed to be winning. He considered sneaking away while everyone was distracted, but this was just too good to miss.

Gaz pounded her gavel, startling everyone. "Would you get on with it!" she demanded.

"Of course," Zim said, picking himself up and adjusting his bunny hood which had gotten knocked askew. "Have you anything left to say, Mister Dormoose?"

The moose just sat there, then it calmly flopped over.

"This witness is finished, your Majesty," Zim announced.

"Good. Off with his head!" the Queen ordered, adding, "And off with his antlers, too," and the Dormoose was plucked up by a guard and taken away.

Zim looked back over at the jury box and asked, "Do we have a verdict?"

"Wait a minute!" Dib jumped up, once more ignoring his better judgment, and stalked to the front of the courtroom. "You can't have a verdict, you don't even have any evidence yet!"

Zim gritted his zipper-esque teeth. "Silence, Human!"

"But you can't just… Er, you can't… I mean it's not…I…" Dib let his sentence pitter off, a confused look crossing his face.

Zim smirked, "What's the matter, did you forget how to talk?" but Dib barely heard his snide remark, for at that moment he was feeling a little… funny.

At first he thought it was just his nerves, but then nerves usually didn't make you feel all tingly, did they? _But then what else could be making me feel so weird all the sudden? It almost feels like I… _

Dib filled with dread as he realized what was happening. "Oh no, not again! Not _now_!"

"Torque!" Zim yelled as Dib unexpectedly made a beeline for the door. Torque stuck his spear out in the aisle and the next thing Dib went sailing to the floor. Torque and Chunk picked him up by the arms, where he struggled desperately to break free of their grip.

"No one leaves the court until the trial is over," Zim stepped up to the panicked boy, hands placed self-righteously on his hips.

Dib wriggled and jerked, trying to escape the cards' clutches, his eyes wide as dinner plates. "No, you don't understand! I'm--!" but there was no need for him to finish, for it was already too late. Dib let out a tense whimper as, for absolutely no reason at all, other than just to mess up his life even further and make him even more miserable, he started to grow. And grow. And for a nice change of pace he grew some more, the crowd recoiling in horror as he shot up taller and taller.

_But how!?_ Dib's inner voice raged, _How come my size is changing again? I didn't even eat or drink anything! So, what, it just starts going off by itself now!? Man, I_ HATE _this place!!!_

He stopped growing just short of the roof, at least avoiding bumping his head this time, though it was a small consolation seeing as how the next second his hair got caught in a ceiling fan. After many pained attempts, he managed to untangle it, then glanced down nervously, realizing that every pair of eyes in the room was trained up at him.

"Eh heh heh…" Dib chuckled nervously and flashed one of his patented sheepish grins. _Could this_ be _anymore humiliating?_ he thought as the crowd began muttering amongst each other.

Tweedle Red sniffed, crossing his arms resentfully. "Hmph. He's not so tall," he remarked to Purple.

Gaz drummed her fingers uninterestedly and yawned, seemingly the only one unfazed by Dib's dramatic growth spurt, while Zim sneered up at her, his black claws clutching the handle of his axe.

"Shall I chop him back down to size, your Majesty?" he asked, the eagerness practically sizzling in his voice.

Gaz considered this. Dib _had_ annoyed her quite a bit already, and now he was holding up the trial, which had been his dumb idea in the first place. And to top it off, he'd left a big snarl of black hair in her newly installed ceiling fan. "No," she said finally, "too messy, and I just had the janitor executed last Thursday."

"Then can I just kick him for a while?" Zim inquired and began kicking at Dib's foot, making little Irken grunts of conquest as he did. It didn't hurt, but it did look pretty stupid.

"Do you mind?" Dib responded in a mildly bothered tone, suppressing the urge to kick back (and smiling secretly at the mental image of the Zim-shaped hole in the wall it would yield if he did).

"Never mind that," Gaz said, clearly becoming even _more_ impatient, "just call the next witness."

Zim gave Dib a final swift blow to the ankle and sauntered pompously back to his place. Dib tilted his head and narrowed an eye at him as he went, fighting the oh-so tempting urge to just reach down and squish Zim's little green head between his thumb and index finger like a marshmallow Peep.

Zim picked up the scroll again and skimmed the names. "The next witness is... oh, jeez," he made a little disgusted noise before he called out, "Dib!"


	11. Part 10: Dib's Evidence

Part 10: Dib's Evidence

"Huh!? Me?" Dib uttered in surprise upon hearing his name. "But--but I don't know anything!"

"That's for sure..." Zim muttered.

"Hey, watch it Space-boy," Dib warned in dangerous tones.

Zim drew back his white ears hostilely. "Threaten me all you like, Giant Dib. You don't scare me!"

"Both of you shut up! And you-" Gaz shouted, waving her hammer in Dib's direction, "-approach the witness stand."

"Uh, Gaz... I don't think--"

"Look! I'd like to get out of here _sometime_ today, so just DO IT!!" she demanded, and Dib had no choice but to follow orders. Two seconds later, a dreadful cracking noise filled the air, and what had three seconds ago been the witness stand now lay in a pile of splinters beneath Dib's heels. The Queen squinted up at him, and Dib tugged at his collar tensely, shooting her another goofy smile.

"Eh heh... I tried to tell you..."

Gaz groaned, seriously beginning to reconsider Zim's offer, and flashed her eyes on the invader who was busy flipping through a thick book. After a second he declared triumphantly, "Ha! Here it is. Rule #42. Anyone more than a mile high has to drag their pathetic carcass out of the court!"

Everyone looked at Dib.

"Oh, give me a break," he exclaimed, folding his arms across his chest defiantly, "I'm nowhere near a mile high!"

"You're right, it's more like twenty miles!" Zim half agreed.

Dib shook his head hopelessly. "Zim, I always knew you were a moron, but this is just pathetic. And that's not even a real rule, is it. You just made it up."

"Liar! LIIIIIAAAAR!!" Zim screamed. "Take your filthy lies and be gone, lying Dib- monster!"

"Gladly," Dib said, then added in a mocking accent, "Oh gee, wait a second… I _tried_ to leave a minute ago when I was actually small enough to fit through the door, but _SOMEONE_ wouldn't let me!" he snapped, bringing his face down menacingly close to Zim's.

"Can we just get on with the interrogation already!!" Gaz bristled in a voice that suggested she was nearing the end of her rope.

"But how do you expect me to interrogate the witness when this wretched fool destroyed the witness stand?" Zim whined, staring accusingly back up at his nemesis.

The Queen's face became tinged a deadly scarlet. "LOOK, I DON'T CARE! I JUST WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH AND GET MY GAME BACK, SO HURRY IT UP!!!!" she exploded, causing everyone in the room to flinch away, even Dib who was about twenty times bigger than her.

Zim slumped his shoulders in a beaten manner. "Fine," he caved and slunk over to the foot of the judge's bench, reclaiming his scroll. "What do you know about all this?" he asked Dib calmly, though he still scowled at him with those angry, crimson eyes.

"Like I said before, nothing," he replied.

"Nothing…" the alien folded his scrawny arms, "… or _something_?"

"No. Nothing," Dib said flatly.

"So much 'nothing' that it's actually 'something'?" Zim prodded.

Dib scrunched up his features in bafflement. "Huh?"

Just then, Keef broke in. "Excuse me, Sir?" he said trotting up to Zim and handing him an envelope, "This just arrived. It's a written confession signed by the perpetrator."

Zim ripped it open and pulled out a sheet of paper as everyone leaned forward intently. He skimmed over it for a moment, making little inquiring noises as he read, but he didn't read fast enough for Dib who bent down and impatiently snatched the paper away from the startled alien.

"The Knave didn't sign this," he announced after a second. "In fact this isn't signed by anyone. And it's not even a confession. It's just a picture of a dog."

"Ha! That proves his guilt!" Zim yelled.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Gaz snarled, and Iggins was seized by the guards.

"Wait! It's just a stupid picture of a dog! How does that prove anything?" Dib demanded, causing another stir of indignant whispers from the crowd.

"You know, for someone who claims to know nothing, you sure seem to know an awful lot about this," Zim narrowed his eyes accusingly. "In fact…" he pointed at Dib dramatically, "I'll bet _you_ took the Queen's Game Slave!"

"What!?" Dib gasped, and a commotion swept through the room.

"_You_ stole my game!?" Gaz stood up and slammed her palms down on the bench.

"What? No! I didn't take anything! Why would I?" Dib quickly tried to defend himself.

"More lies!" Zim accused with a strange type of glee. "You took the game! Admit it!"

"You're crazy! I didn't do _anything_!" Dib insisted.

"Ha! We have evidence to the contrary," Zim's lips curled in a vengeful grin. "Let's hear the accusations!" he snapped his gloved fingers, and several members in the audience called out at once.

"He dented my hover skirt!" shouted Red.

"He broke my smoke machine!" added Purple.

"He made me fly into a bug zapper and just plain annoyed me," said the (still crispy) Bittersfly.

"He grabbed my face!" the doorknob yelled. "It hurt."

"HE scared me pig baby! ME PIG BABYYY!!" screeched Tak.

"He stole my bike!" yelled a guy in a bear suit wearing a tutu.

"Huh? Who're you? I never even met you," said Dib.

"We played tea-party!" GIR chimed merrily.

"He tried to eat my eggs!" the pigeon whined.

"Squeek!" peeped Mini-moose (who, of course, had been there the whole time).

"He shot me out of a tube!" Keef piped up. "Then he ate all the waffles I made!"

"And on top of all that, he made me late and has pestered me no end!" finished Zim. "There you have it good pigs of the jury. Clearly this Dib-beast is a threat to society and must be dealt with!"

"Now just hold on a minute!" Dib shouted, his self control beginning to slip. "I'm not the one on trial here!"

"You wouldn't mind being on trial unless you had something to hide!" Zim reciprocated, and everyone agreed that this was a perfectly logical answer.

"I've had it with this!" Dib shouted, nearly deafening the entire room. He clenched and unclenched his fists, his shoulders tensing with anger as what little control he had left over his temper finally snapped. "I didn't _do_ anything! I'm _not_ on trial, I'm _not_ the one who took the stupid game, and I haven't done anything else here either except try to keep my sanity!"

"You spew nonsense from your foul word tube, Human Stink!" Zim screamed with a crazed look in his eye. He thrust a finger directly at Dib. "OFF WITH HIS GREAT BIG HEAD!"

The next thing Dib knew, the air was choked with dozens of flying cards, all of which were raining down on top of him. "Gah! Ow! Quit it!" Dib swatted frantically at his assailants as they poked and jabbed him with their tiny spears. The mob was now in an uproar and calling for Dib's blood, chanting 'off with his head' over and over with Zim leading the vicious mantra, ala The Jerry Springer Show.

All at once, Gaz screamed, "STOOOOOOPPPPP!" and the entire room froze, turning towards her. Dib's heart leaped in his chest, his eyes practically sparkling with loving gratitude. He just _knew_ his sister would come through for him!

"I've got a better idea…" the Queen grinned. "FEED HIM TO THE JABBERWOCKEY!"

"Wha--?" Dib's face fell and his jaw dropped, his blood turning to ice as a huge, black shadow slowly fell over him. In the midst of the looming blackness, a pair of glowing yellow eyes flickered to life, and a mouthful of deadly, razor sharp teeth came into focus. Dib gasped in terror as he found himself staring up at the hideous form of a towering beast, which ran a long, slimy tongue hungrily over its chops as it stared back at its spiky-haired snack. With a deep, throaty growl, the Jabberwocky leaped for his throat.

Dib ran. He didn't even know how he got out of the courtroom, but it seemed that in the last few minutes, the walls had gradually faded away to nothing, and now they were floating in a gaping black void. Not that Dib cared all that much to question it, what with fleeing for his life and all from a monster that, even at his current tallness, was easily ten times his superior.

"After him!" Zim roared, his expression that of a madman as he led a charge of soldiers after Dib.

Dib's heartbeat echoed in his head, his lungs tightening as he gasped for air, his boots pounding against the floor as he ran with everything he had. But his feet weren't _really_ hitting the floor, or if they were it was an invisible one, since Dib couldn't make out exactly what he was running across. It felt solid like the ground, but it was just as black as everything else around him with no way to discern where the ground ended and the walls, if any, began. It almost felt like he was running down an endless hole. _Just like the one I fell down when I first came to this horrible place _Dib thought with a touch of irony, then he mentally slapped himself for thinking such stupid thoughts when there was a giant monster and a homicidal, axe-wielding extraterrestrial at his heels.

Suddenly, Dib felt a pull on the back of his trench coat and let out a squeak of alarm as the Jabberwocky ripped off a large piece of fabric in its teeth. The boy faded to panic, but didn't dare look back and continued running blindly through the endless space. It felt like the faster he ran, the least distance he seemed to go, just like in a dream. No… A nightmare. Soon Dib's legs began to feel shaky and his breath was coming out in short gasps, his brow broken into a fevered sweat. The massive form of the Jabberwocky was gaining on him, and he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up.

"I just want to go home!" he cried out to the nothingness, his voice echoing the absolute desperation he felt.

"Hey! It's you again! Howzit goin?" a casual voice suddenly spoke close to his ear, and Dib whipped his head in surprise only to find the Cheshire Cat sitting on his shoulder, grinning as usual.

"You!" Dib cried, half in shock, half in anger. "Where the heck did you go!?" he demanded through panting breaths.

"I had to use the litter box," the cat shrugged. "Hey, it happens. So what've you been up to?" it asked leaning on a paw.

"Oh, not much, just RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!!" Dib snapped. The cat glanced innocently back at his pursuers.

"Whew," it whistled, "You really are having a bad day."

Dib ducked just as the Jabberwocky swiped at him with a handful of deadly talons.

"Hurry, tell me how to get home!" Dib pleaded, feeling his strength begin to fade. "Please, I-- OW!" he wailed as Zim, seeing his moment of weakness, lunged at him and began jabbing him in the side with his axe handle.

"Bwahahaha!" he cackled maniacally, "You can never escape, Dib! NEVER!!!"

Just seconds after Zim made his move, the Jabberwocky also sprang at Dib, knocking him hard on his stomach. He rolled over with an agonized groan and found himself staring into a pair of cold, bloodthirsty eyes. A searing drop of saliva landed next to his head as the creature licked its lips in anticipation. As the nightmare beast edged closer to Dib, the gaunt feline appeared again, this time on his chest.

"It's very simple for you to get home," he grinned as if there'd never been an interruption.

The Jabberwocky was now only inches away from Dib who threw his trembling arms over his eyes. Zim still laughed like mad and continued stabbing him in the side. In the flurry of the moment, just before he faded to black, Dib heard the Cheshire Cat repeat, "It's very simple for you to get home."

The world seemed to swirl around him in a dizzying pattern of black, orange, and purple. Dib lost consciousness just as he heard the cat's voice saying "… All you have to do is…"

The words echoed in Dib's ears as he was engulfed by blackness.

"Wake up…"

"Wake up!"

The first thing Dib realized was that someone was yelling loudly in his ear, but even more irritating was the constant, sharp prodding in his side.

"Hey! Wake up!" said a voice. A familiar voice.

Dib felt another hard poke in his ribs and his eyes flickered open. "Gah!" he suddenly bolted upright with a start as his memory flooded back to him.

"It's about time. You talk in your sleep, Human," the voice said in a disgusted tone, and Dib felt another jab. He looked up to see Zim standing over him nudging him with a stick.

"Zim!?" Dib's liquid brown eyes darted back and forth, and he saw that he was back in the sun-draped park, sitting under the tree surrounded by his laptop and monitoring gear just as if he'd never left.

"Honestly, the commotion you were making, you'd think you were about to be gutted alive or something," continued Zim. _Zim_. Just the regular old Zim, with his black Elvis wig and lavender contact lenses. No bunny costume. No gigantic axe. Just Zim.

"I-it was all a dream?" Dib held a hand to his sweating forehead. "But-- But it felt so real! And you were there. And you," he pointed to Zim, and then to GIR who was at the end of the leash he was holding. "And there was Gaz, and--and Dad, and all the kids at skool, and Ms. Bitters… But everything was so weird, and everyone was different… Gaz was a Queen… That horrible monkey… The floating cat head… And you had bunny ears!…"

"What nonsense are you babbling about now, Dib worm?" Zim scrunched up his features in mystification as his archenemy rambled to the sky, but Dib was too happy to hear him.

_I'm back! It was all a dream! _he silently cheered, giggling involuntarily out of sheer relief. _It really was just a dream!_ Dib climbed to his feet and smiled a smile that made Zim wonder uncertainly if he should be standing so close to him.

"Oh Zim, I never in my life thought I'd be so glad to see you!" Dib declared, and this time Zim _did_ step back a little.

"I think you've been laying in the Earth's sun too long," he turned pointedly and tugged on GIR's leash, dragging the robot puppy away from a very fascinating ladybug he was trying to eat. "Tch… Humans," Zim rolled his eyes and walked away.

Dib watched him leave then gathered up his spy equipment, knowing that he was probably grinning like a moron, but he didn't care. He'd never felt so thrilled before. He'd even been glad to see Zim! "I still can't believe it was all just a dream!" he reflected. "It felt so real…"

He slung his backpack over his shoulder. He was about to go when he heard someone snicker behind him.

Dib whipped around, his eyes scanning the scene, his heart leaping into his throat as he realized he _knew_ that laugh. As he searched for the source of the laughter, he happened to glance down and noticed a large piece of fabric missing from his jacket.

"How did--!?"

But Dib knew how it'd happened. His heart began to pound faster and his brow broke out in a terrified sweat.

"N-no! It was just a dream! _A DREAM!!_"

On a sudden impulse Dib's hands went to his pockets, and suddenly he knew without a shadow of a doubt he'd find them there. He pulled his hands out slowly and opened his shaking palms only to reveal the two pieces of mushroom he'd kept from before, and had forgotten about up until just now. He stared at them for a second then flung them away as if they were hot coals.

The mocking laugh came again, but Dib was already rushing home, making a serious vow that when he got there he was locking himself in his room and never coming out again.

As he ran, a figure watched from a tree with a pair of glinting eyes. The lanky figure twitched its tail in amusement and curled a whisker around one of its claws, snickering to itself contentedly with a large, feral smile.

The End


	12. Final Author's Note

This is the part where I want to thank all of you who read and reviewed (and if you made it all the way to the end then bless you, as it is a pretty looooong story) I'm so glad you've enjoyed my fanfic. It just boggles my mind that this crazy little story of mine, one I wrote just for fun a few years ago, one of the few I've ever even finished, and a one-shot _parody_ at that, seems to have been so popular. But I believe that when you put your heart into something and have fun while creating it, other people will enjoy it too. It truly was a labor of love, for both the original 'Alice' story and 'Invader Zim,' two things in my life that have greatly inspired me and still continue to, and also for Dib, my very favorite character, probably ever (Sorry, Dib, I didn't mean to be so mean to you in this story ;). So many of you have said such nice things, like how it should be an episode and such, and stuff like that just makes me feel so great. I'm truly grateful to all of you, and to those who've sent me actual fanart, I thank you more than words can express. Really, I'm gonna have to make up some new words or dip into other languages or something. "Thank You" just doesn't really cut it. I've also had so much fun with my own Wonderland-meets-IZ art, so I'm glad that those of you who've seen it enjoy it. I've got some on my gallery at Deviant.art at http://spectra22. and a few older pictures on Side 7.

I may seem a tad obsessed... okay, hell, I AM obsessed, downright and flat-out otaku-insane... with all things Wonderlandy and IZ and Dib and fantasy and such n' such, but it's what I like, it's what makes me smile, and dammit it's just some things I enjoy, and I don't think people do enough things they enjoy these days for whatever reason (guilt, embarrassment, people thinking it's stupid, ect.), and I wish they would... as long as, you know, it's legal. But if you've enjoyed this fic, one of the by-products of my obsessy-ness, I thank you -


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